My Funniest Quotes of the Past Year

I hope that my blog can sometimes make you chuckle, cackle, chortle, crack-up, crow, and cry with fits of giggles and glee!  I'm so funny, right?  Funny-looking!


Ha ha ha!  Oh, there I go again.  Unleashing my comedic genius on the unsuspecting public.  So as we celebrate the one year anniversary of Joaquin the Chihuahua, let's look back at some of the funnier moments of the past year...

10.  “Sure it was snowing, and it was windy, but it just felt like ‘snowfall’ not ‘blizzard’… I’ve had Dairy Queen Blizzards more dangerous than that...”—Blizzard?

9.  “‘You know,’ she began, ‘you're brother actually sang the birthday song to me on the phone. He didn't text it. He SANG it.’ Now a semi truck was running over my deflated balloon head. Over and over. Without ceasing.”—Happy Birthday, Mom!

8.  “Sigh.  I'm not Wonder Woman quite yet.  I'm not even the guy bringing her coffee.”—22 Days:  Christmas List

7.  “Oh, what words of comfort!  My Chinese ancestors were sending me a message!  I must take my father's place and join the army against the Huns, bringing honor to my family and... wait, that's Mulan.”—Fortune Cookie

6.  “’I'm so rich.’  That was sarcasm.  It translates to:  ‘I'm so poor I might as well roll over into the gutter and let hobos pee on my face.’”—Paychecks, Work Clothes and Hobo Pee

5.  “But winged things are really cool aren’t they?  Like angels.  And dragons.  And maxi pads.”—Ask Joaquin:  Why is Cupid a Fat, Flying Baby?

4.  “Like the allure of sporting events or why anybody would wear Crocs, the love of alcohol is just something that I will never comprehend as long as I live.”—Raspberry Beer

3.  “’Oh my Gosh!  What if it's a paper cut?  Do we have band-aids?’ I cried aloud to a perplexed Brian.
‘What?’ he asked.
‘KELSEY IS BLEEDING TO DEATH!’
Just then my phone started to vibrate again.  That poor, brave girl!  Texting me with the bloody remains of her fingers!”—Jack Day Part Three?

2.  “[My friends are] totally unsupportive right?  If they were a bra, I'd return them.”—Cabbage Soup Diet:  Day Two

1.  “So, I’ve got an idea for how I’ll pay for school.  I’m gonna become a eunuch and sell my penis on e-bay.”—Amazing What Can be Bought and Sold on E-bay