THANKFUL: Day 9

I'm thankful for weddings.  My friend Krystal got married today to a wonderful man named Treven--a man I hope will take good care of her.  They've both been married before and they both have children, so this is a merging of two families.  I'm thankful for second chances in life.  I'm thankful for fresh starts.  And I'm thankful to share an anniversary with these two.  One year ago today Brian and I were married in New York City.  It was a wonderful experience and we couldn't be happier.  Our first year together has had its share of trials, but it has had more good days than bad.  I'm really thankful for the good days.  I'm thankful that laws are changing in this country to allow for my marriage.  I'm thankful for progress.  I'm thankful for love.

Wedding Photos: Friends

From the rest of our friends in attendance (at least those willing to jot something down!):

"Congrats on this new chapter!  I am so excited for you and hope the next years are the best.  Love you!" -Kayla

"I'm so happy everything worked out in the end in NY.  I wish you all the best moving forward." -Ryan

"Felicidades!  Les deseo lo mejor del mundo.  Espero que cada dia tienen exito.  Les quiero mas que un completo de vienesas!  Que Dios les bendiga amigos." -Gabriel

"Congratulations!  I'm so glad everything worked out.  You two are so cute together.  I wish you the best!  And many, many happy years!" -Caitlin

"Congrats!  We are so happy for you!  Good luck with everything!" -Tyler and Vicki

"I love the both of you and am glad to have amazing friends like you guys!" -Mesun

"Best wishes to you!  I'm glad I got to come, everything looked wonderful!" -Rebecca and Joseph

"... I think that you are GREAT and I can't wait to get to know you better.  I'm so happy for you.  Congratulations!" -Hannah

"I'm so happy for you two... and excited for your future together.  Love ya!" -Andrew

"Best wishes for a happy life together!" -Martha

"What you've done here, what you've achieved together, is wonderfully inspiring." -Jonathan

"You guys are gonna have a beautiful life together." -Jake

"I love you guys and am so glad to have gotten to know you better." -Karrie

"Woo Hoo!  I am so happy for the 2 of you!  You are such a good example of selfless and sincere love: I hope to be like the both of you!" -Annette

"I love you guys so much!  I am happy for you and am grateful to be a part of your lives.  You can make it through any challenges with love, trust and respect." -Krystal

"Hey Jack and Brian.  Best of luck to you two.  You make a great couple." -Stan and Ryan

"We hope you both enjoy this time as newlyweds and will continue to grow with one another.  Congrats!" -Andy and Amberly

"Leave it to you guys to have a fancy cake.  Renae and I just saw it and thought you were all fancy.  Oh, and I just burned my hair in your candle as I was writing this.  Sorry, now it stinks.  You guys both look amazing tonight and I love your hair [Brian's]..." -Candace

"You guys look so great!  I am so glad we're friends... Oh, congratulations (the decidedly most important part of my sentiments)!" -Renae

Wedding Photos: Family

From family in attendance:

"Congrats, Jack and Brian!  We love you." -Renee, Jaylon and Amaya

"Welcome to a new happy life!" -Janice and Chris

"I hope you'll always find happiness together.  You've both been so great for each other.  I'm excited to see you 'officially' begin your lives together..." -Jenny

"We wish you guys the very best!" -Clark and Shanna

"Best wishes for a happily ever after!" -Greg, DawSuwan, Lauryn and Mike

"You know I love you!  And... I'm jealous you guys got to see Once.  Next time you go, take me with you.  Please?? ... And Jack, I'm so glad that you are now part of our family officially!  Congrats!" -Amy

"Love you guys!" -Liz and Wyatt

"We love you both very much." -Deborah

"Happy wedding reception!  I hope you guys could stop stressing about everything in life and having to make sure everything was perfect for a few minutes and just enjoy this marvelous union you've made together!  You guys are the best brothers I could ever ask for!" -Courtney

"Congrats!  And Best Wishes!" -Bruce and Connie

"We love you guys!  Wishing you peace and happiness." -Suz and Ryker

"Congratulations to you two!  You are such a great example of gay men, it's amazing!  To many happy memories before, and many yet to come!" -Brett

"...we care about you guys and wish you the BEST." -Kevin and Diane

"Welcome to the wonderful world of marriage!" -Daniel and Kait

"Dear Sons,
Blessings of love, Blessings of grace, Blessings of joy, Blessings of peace, Blessings of strength, Blessings of hope, Blessings of patience, Blessings of a bright future." - Dad and Patricia

Wedding Photos: Party

From our friends in attendance who weren't afraid to shake their money makers:

"I love you guys so much!  I'm glad that you two were finally able to get married." -Dyann

"Umm... yeah pretend I said lots of nice, heartwarming stuff.  I'm not much for words." -John

"Congrats!  I love you two!  And wish a happy life for you both!" -Riley

"You guys are so brave for going out on a limb like you did!  I'm so happy you went to NYC to show your love for each other.  Just remember to love each other over everything else and don't forget that life's about the little things." -Kevin

"Love you!  I'll miss you guys but I hope to see you more before I leave." -Brandon

"May your love be everlasting.  Too cheesy?  No?  Okay.  I wish you happiness all your days, much laughter, and many smiles." -Katie

"I am happy that in my lifetime I got the pleasure of seeing two lovely human beings fully commit to each other.  Thanks for paving the way for gays both here in Utah and the country at large." -Dean (Lamar) and Adam

"Congratulations!  Now keep it together and make the rest of us look stable!" - Curt

"I love you!  But you guys know that.  I would love to write something clever, but I'm not.  So let me know when you guys want that baby!" -Mineh

"Congratulations on your marriage!  I'm so happy for you and I know you'll have a lot of great years together!" -Dani

Wedding Photos: Cake

From some of those involved in putting everything together:
 
"I am so happy for you!  Thanks for letting me be a part of your special day!  I love you both very much.  Take care of each other.  I wish you nothing but happiness!" -Michelle, unofficial wedding planner

"I'm glad I've been able to meet you both and be your friend.  You guys are amazing!  May many happy years follow.  I love you guys." -Wes, guy who did the grunt work

"Congratulations.  I'm so excited for you guys.  I feel so lucky to know both of you." -Jocelyn, wedding cake baker and caterer

Wedding Photos: First Dance

My Precious Child
-Katherine Kesler

There he is, my sweet little gift from God.
A towheaded little boy with talents galore,
How could a mother ask for anything more?
But along with the joy there was heartache to be found.
Confusion, heartbreak, unfairness abound,
Seeking for guidance on both sides was great,
But love everlasting held open that gate.
This was not the vision either of us had planned,
But reality stepped in holding our hands.
God loves unconditionally and so we must too,
But with a child so fantastic that is not that hard to do!
How could I ever have dreamed ten years ago,
A man named Jack would walk through the door,
To help us accept this next phase more.
They have been judged- we have been judged,
But I have given it over to God,
For he has the wisdom to know what we should do,
And so... "As I have loved you, love one another.
This new commandment, love one another.
By this shall men know, ye are my disciples,
If ye have love one to another."

Ask Joaquin: Who Proposed to Whom?

From Amberly:  Who proposed to whom?

That's a fantastic question.  Not too long ago we invited our friend Hannah and her boyfriend Andrew over to carve jack-o-lanterns and enjoy homemade pumpkin pie and apple cider.  It was an enjoyable evening, and being fairly new in our friendship there was a lot to talk about.  At one point we started to discuss how Brian and I got engaged... and funnily enough, the two of us got into a little argument over it.  His version didn't match mine!

Here's how I tell it.  One day in August 2009 I came home from work to find a dressed-up Brian and a table laid out with a scrumptious meal.  It was a random weeknight so I was a little surprised.  Then while we were eating, he got down on one knee and pulled out a box with a ring in it and proposed, saying something ridiculously sweet and romantic.  I, of course, smiled from ear to ear and said a most emphatic "YES!"  Brian says he had wanted to propose on my birthday (the 20th), but as soon as the ring came from online he just couldn't wait any longer!  He had to propose ASAP!

A few months later, November 2, we were celebrating our first anniversary in Park City, Utah.  We were in the hotel room when Brian asked for his anniversary gift.  I got on one knee and returned his proposal with a matching ring.  (The site he had used was still in our browser history, so finding the same ring was surprisingly easy.)  Unfortunately the ring I had gotten him was way too big and I had to send it back and get him a replacement.  I'm not sure how I was so off with the size.  I had printed out a paper ring sizer and while he was sleeping I measured his finger.  I realize now how creepy that sounds.

So to sum up, Brian proposed to me and then I proposed to him.

But here's where Brian swoops in to correct me.  That wasn't when he first proposed, even though that's what I consider to be the "official" proposal.  That's the story I usually tell people.  But in reality, Brian asked me to marry him much sooner than that.  And when I say "much sooner" I mean like Mormon-dating fast.  He unofficially asked me to marry him like a week or two into our relationship.  Kinda embarrassing, so you can see why I would choose to tell the version where we had been dating for almost a year.  I believe we were in his car and he just asked me if I would marry him.  And I said yes.  He talked about how it would have been cool to take me on a carriage ride in Salt Lake City to propose (which they have around Christmastime), but again, his anxiousness to ask me interfered with grander romantic plans.

So really, Brian and I have wanted to get married pretty much from the get-go.  Four years later, we're finally going to make that happen.

Four-Year Anniversary and Change of Wedding Plans

Today, November 2, 2012, is our four-year anniversary (which means traditionally I should receive flowers, or silk/linen depending on which website I choose to trust) and it was also the day Brian and I were supposed to get married in New York City.  Well, Superstorm Sandy came in with all her wrath and flooded the east coast, putting a damper on our wedding plans.  "Damnit, Sandy!" said our friend LoriAnn, echoing the sentiments of pretty much everyone we know.  "Do NOT name your first kid Sandy," quipped my friend Mary.  Don't worry.  We won't.

So now our wedding will be postponed a week, with the new wedding date of November 9th which I don't like nearly as much.  "Sorry your gift will make less sense now..." said my friend Rebecca, who engraved Jack and Brian November 2, 2012 onto a beautiful frame for us.  "It's still the anniversary of our first date," I said, trying my best to console her.  "It will still have meaning to me."  And it's true.  Even if the 9th will be the day we officially become a married couple, November 2nd will still be our anniversary in my heart.  Always and forever.

In a way, we were prepared for this.  Originally I had wanted our reception to be on the 9th, right after our return from NYC.  But that date was already booked at the venue we wanted, so we pushed the reception back to the 16th.  If we hadn't done that, we wouldn't have had the extra week in between to reschedule our wedding.  We might have had to get married after the reception, which would have been a little weird, but luckily it will all work out (barring the possibility of another freak disaster, of course).  We were also lucky that both of our employers are supporting us in this endeavor and are willing to redo the work schedules to accommodate the change of plans.

"That's the fun part of getting married," said my friend James in a text.  "Everything will go wrong until you get there!"

The Bride of Frankenstorm

To celebrate Brian's birthday, we had dinner with Nichole and Emily at Tucanos Brazilian Grill.  It was a nice night out.  The food was of course delicious and left me feeling so stuffed that I swore never to eat again.  That's pretty typical of the place.  I eat so much meat that I start to consider vegetarianism... and if you know me, you know that ain't ever gonna happen.  But still the thought creeps in there and just settles unpleasantly on my stomach until all the buttons on my shirt pop off.

Anyway, feeling like a Brazilian heifer we said goodbye to the ladies and met up with Michelle and Wes at the movie theater for a special screening of Halloween (1978).  Although I've seen the movie multiple times (and somewhat recently), it was the first time seeing it on the big screen.  Pretty fun.  The day before a bunch of us went to see Frankenstein (1931) and The Bride of Frankenstein (1935) which were being presented as a double-feature in theaters for one night only.  I had never seen either movie before and I really enjoyed them.  Boris Karloff is legendary for his portrayal of Frankenstein's monster and I was pretty impressed with the special effects of the 30s.  They weren't really that scary to me, as a modern viewer, but they were sure entertaining.  And although sequels usually suck, I'd have to say the second one was my favorite... even if the "Bride" only shows up at the end!

But do you want to know something that really does scare me?  More than monster movies or overeating?  The thought that I might not make it to New York City to get married!  Right now a terrible storm is brewing on the east coast and it's supposed to strike New York City before Halloween.  It's a combination of Hurricane Sandy which is heading north from Haiti and Cuba and some smaller winter storms coming from the west and down south from Canada.  Weather forecasters are calling this combination "Frankenstorm" and it's supposed to bring high winds, heavy rain and extreme tides.  As of right now, JetBlue is cancelling flights for Monday the 29th and Tuesday the 30th.  We're supposed to fly out on Halloween, late at night, and we just hope to God that weather permits!  Because if we can't make it out to New York City to get hitched, I'm going to turn into something far scarier than the Bride of Frankenstein!

Ask Joaquin: Will You Be Taking Brian's Last Name?

I answered some marriage-related questions on the 11th, but more and more just keep coming!

From Kathi (my mom):  So are you changing your name to Kesler?  *Note, this question is one of the most frequently asked.

That's a very good question.  In a traditional heterosexual marriage (in our particular culture, that is) the woman takes on the last name of her husband, but in our situation neither one of us is the blushing bride.  In fact, we even know some straight couples where the woman has kept her name. Early on in our engagement, Brian and I had discussed the possibility of changing both our surnames to Kesler-Garcia, to reflect our union, but I would cease to be Jack John Garcia III, and what a shame it would be to lose my suffix!  Besides, name-changing is a hassle.  So, no, Mom, I will still bear the name you and my father had given me from the start.  However, any future children we hope to adopt will be given the name Kesler-Garcia.

From Anonymous:  Which one of you is the "man" and which is the "woman"?  or... Which one of you is wearing the dress?

As stated in response to the above question, neither one of us is the bride.  Perhaps in other same-sex couples this question is applicable (I won't try to speak for gays everywhere), but in our case, neither one of us is a cross-dresser or transvestite, so no wedding dress will be worn.  For those going to our reception, expect to see us in nice suits.  And as far as our relationship goes, neither one of us can be categorized as the "man" 100% of the time nor the "woman" 100% of the time.  I won't even begin to say how incredibly sexist this question is...  Just know that Brian and I function as equals.  We both have jobs, we both go to school, and we both take care of the house when we have time.  Brian enjoys cooking more, so he does all the cooking.  I'm more of a neat-freak, so I do most of the cleaning.  We have a good balance that way, and it has nothing to do with preconceived gender roles.

From Katherine (Brian's mom):  Will you be in New York City long enough to get everything done?  Won't you need a blood test?

Actually, a blood test is not a requirement for a marriage license in the state of New York.  In fact, the whole process is relatively simple.  Almost shockingly so.  According to the website for the City Clerk's Office in NYC, all we need to do is fill out an application (which we have already done online), pay the fee, and present our social security number and driver's license to obtain a marriage license.  We must then wait at least 24 hours to have the wedding ceremony which will also take place in the City Clerk's Office.  For that we will need the marriage license (obviously), another fee payment, and a witness (thankfully Brian's cousin Patrick has agreed to fly out to NYC to fill that role).  So to sum it all up, on Thursday, November 1st we will take care of the marriage license stuff and then on Friday, November 2nd (our four-year anniversary) we will seal the deal with a court ceremony and start a new chapter in our lives as newlyweds!

From Emily:  What kind of wedding gift do I give a gay couple?  I've never done this before!

Well, thanks for your concern, but we're really not all that different.  We homosexuals enjoy many of the same household items that you do and they don't even have to be rainbow-colored or covered in glitter.  So you know that toaster you always buy for your straight friends who tie the knot?  That would work for us too!  (Although, in all seriousness, we already have a toaster so thanks but no thanks).  If gift-giving is really hard for you, you can always stick to our registry or just give money.  Because gay or straight, money makes everybody happy!

From Brett:  Will there be drinking at your reception?

Sorry to disappoint those desperately in search of an open bar, but our reception will be a dry one.  I know, we're totally lame.  One reason is that alcohol is really expensive and it's just not within our budget.  Also, we're really grateful some of our LDS friends and relatives are coming at all and we didn't want to make them any more uncomfortable by throwing champagne into the mix.  But mostly there will be no drinking because the venue doesn't allow it.  "Curse those pesky contracts!"

But what you can expect is a whole lot of sober fun!  The tentative schedule goes something like this:  Meet and greet for the first 45 minutes or so followed by a special video presentation and the couple's first dance.  Live music by Van Lady Love (featuring an old mission buddy as the lead singer) will continue from about 8 to 9, so prepare to be entertained.  The cake will then be cut and served (don't worry, we'll have various cheesecakes available all throughout the night as well) and a dance party will commence for the remaining hour.  So.  Much.  Fun.

Of course you can come and go as you please, but seriously, you'll want to stay for all the awesomeness.

Ask Joaquin: Why Are You Getting Married?

With all the wedding planning, we've been getting a lot of questions about our marriage.  Due to the sensitive nature of most of them, I've referred to those asking as "anonymous."

From Anonymous:  Why are you getting married if it's not even legal in Utah?

Ever since I was a kid I was taught that when two people loved each other they got married.  Sure, the "two people" were probably explained to me as "a man and a woman," but that didn't stop me from making the blonde Ken doll and the brunette Ken doll ditch Barbie and go marry each other.  So when I grew up years later and realized I was gay, that notion of marrying the one I love didn't go away.  And when Brian asked me to marry him some three years ago, I said "yes."  It just seemed to be the natural progression of things.  You meet, you fall in love, you get married.

And although same-sex marriage is legal in the state of New York, where Brian and I are tying the knot, I am well aware that our marriage license won't mean anything in the state of Utah.  So why bother?  Well, because it means something to us.  It means a lifelong commitment.  It means the start of a family.  It means all of the things that marriage means to straight couples.  Nobody goes into marriage saying, "I'm only doing this for tax purposes and hospital visitation rights."  No, they do it for love.  And while those are the sorts of benefits that will go unrecognized here in Utah, Brian and I will still know in our hearts that we are married.

Besides, we don't plan on living in Utah forever and we will most likely find ourselves in one of the six states that does recognize same-sex marriage someday.  And as the fight for marriage equality continues, I am optimistic that more and more states will embrace it in the future.  The world is changing.  France is on the brink of legalizing same-sex marriage within the next few weeks and not long ago Mexico did the same, joining Canada and ten other countries.

From Anonymous:  Is your marriage some kind of political statement?

Considering it's an election season and Brian's Facebook statuses are hyper-political as of late, I can see where one might get that idea.  However, this is nothing of the sort.  As I stated in the answer above, Brian and I are getting married because we love each other and that's what people in love do!  Far from trying to stir up controversy, I would say our desire to be married is probably the most conservative and traditional thing about us.

From Anonymous:  I love you guys, but my religious views are in opposition to same-sex marriage.  How do I reconcile this?

I'm going to answer this question with a bit of a story.  There's a member of Brian's extended family that expressed a similar sentiment.  She said she loved us and enjoyed our visits to her home, but at the same time worried that by attending our wedding reception she was condoning same-sex marriage which she finds contrary to her religious beliefs.  She took her concerns to the Lord in prayer, and came to the conclusion that Jesus would have gone if he were in her shoes.  We were happy to hear she was able to find a way to reconcile her desire to be supportive with her belief system.

But as much as I would love everyone to take that route, I understand that not everyone will come to the same conclusion.  It's heartbreaking that such a joyous and happy day in my life can bring about negativity... but it has to some degree.  Feeling a little down, my sister sent a text message reassuring me that no matter who may or may not be in attendance, "God sure will be."