JoaquiNews: Huckabee Feeds Portman Bathtub Cheese

Huckabee scheming; Natalie Portman winning an award Huckabee never will.

Actress Natalie Portman enjoyed an Oscar win last week, and in her acceptance speech she thanked her fiancé for giving her the greatest gift of all—indicating the bun in the oven.  And while the audience at the Academy Awards all applauded, one man in particular jeered.  Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee recently went on the radio to burst the actress’ bubble, rain on her parade, and knock her off her pedestal.  He said, “One of the most troubling things is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet that boasts of, hey look, we're having children, we're not married...”

And if the radio-bullying wasn’t enough, Huckabee was caught buying contraband cheese in an attempt to kill Portman’s illegitimate bastard baby.  The former governor was spotted in Bakersfield, California purchasing bathtub cheese from a local farmer’s market.  For those who may not know, bathtub cheese is a homemade cheese often made in one’s bathtub (or a coffin or PVC pipe) by Mexican immigrants.  The selling of bathtub cheese is, of course, illegal and punishable by death because it is unsanitary and teeming with bacteria and other health risks.  One of these health risks includes the causing of miscarriages among pregnant women.

After policemen arrived on the scene, Huckabee was taken into custody.  It was revealed through rigorous questioning and waterboarding that his motive was to sneak the cheese into Natalie Portman’s kitchen to kill her unborn child.  He stated, “Being an impregnated Jezebel, I knew that she wouldn’t be able to resist the bathtub cheese.  Women love to take baths… they love bathtubs.  And pregnant women have hunger cravings all the time.  So I knew she would eat the cheese, get terribly sick, and miscarry.”

Natalie Portman has yet to comment, although it is rumored she has been taking a weeklong bubble bath with her Oscar trophy.

Although loosely based on actual news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.