|Utah's newest state symbol.|
SALT LAKE CITY—Governor Gary Herbert recently signed a new Utah state symbol into law: the John Moses Browning-designed M1911 pistol. Only mere months after the mass shooting in neighboring Arizona, Utah officially has a state firearm. And it’s a semi-automatic, baby.
The adoption of a weapon as a state symbol came with lots of controversy, but Herbert claimed that it had less to do with the gun and more to do with the man who created it. Browning was a Logan, Utah native— the son of Mormon pioneers—who gave back much to the state. Honoring such a man seemed a very noble idea, until the true reason of the bill came into light.
Rocky Mountain Elk (Utah’s state animal) and California Seagull (Utah’s state bird) had blackmailed Herbert into passing the bill, with motives truly sinister. For decades Elk and Seagull had felt like minorities when compared to the much more popular Honey Bee (Utah’s state insect). Salt Lake City’s baseball team? The Bees. Deseret Industries and Deseret Book? All referencing bees. And what do you see on the Utah flag? A beehive! With the mounting social injustices, Elk and Seagull plotted a political assassination of the tyrannical Honey Bee.
Inhabiting an alternate universe of state symbols, Elk and Seagull had no way of murdering their foe. Earlier attempts all proved futile. Attempting to trap and roast Honey Bee in a Dutch oven (Utah’s state cooking pot) only infuriated the insect more. Enlisting the help of Bonneville “Cutthroat” Trout (Utah’s state fish) resulted in the near-death of the fish by bee-sting. Turned out his nickname was a bit misleading, as he was a bit of a pansy.
So with the new bill now signed into law, Seagull and Elk now have possession of a gun. Herbert has cooperated with assassins. May the blood of Honey Bee be on the governor’s hands.