Sunday, March 13, 2011

JoaquiNews: Snakes Swarm Over iPad 2 Launch

Rattlesnakes may not have thumbs, but they are huge Apple consumers.
AUSTIN, TEXAS—On March 12, 2011, Apple’s iPad 2 was launched and millions came out to buy it.  Millions of rattlesnakes, that is.  The lines of snakes began to form as early as 6:30 AM, and when the doors opened and the iPad 2 sales began, the Apple employees were quickly overtaken by the swarm of slithering serpents.  The store was not equipped with enough product to meet demands, and the rattlesnakes became very agitated.

Soon rattlesnakes began biting and poisoning every human who they believed stood in their way of a new iPad 2.  Soon all of Austin was overtaken by murderous snakes, destroying the SXSW Festival and killing every resident.  Within a mere two hours the rattlesnake pandemic had overtaken all of Texas.  However, residents of the small town of Sweetwater wouldn’t stand for it.

Their plan was simple—start a Miss Snake Charmer Beauty Pageant where dozens of young girls would don bikinis to compete for the title.  After a fierce competition of tap dancing, evening wear, and baton twirling, Laney Wallace was crowned Miss Snake Charmer 2011.  Armed only with a tiara, sash, and machete, Laney Wallace set out to fulfill her official duties of snake population control.

Wallace chopped off the snakes' heads, and then skinned them all for good measure.  All of Texas rejoiced (the alive ones at least), and the resulting overage of snake meat was bought by Taco Bell, to pass off as ground beef.

Although loosely based on real news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.

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