JoaquiNews: Argentine Wins Lottery; Might Lose Everything

Monica Alcota (left) and Cristina Ojeda (right) rallying to repeal DOMA.

NEW YORK—This Friday, one lucky American won the Mega Millions Lottery!  Monica Alcota won $202.9 million dollars by choosing the numbers 22, 24, 31, 52 and 54 with the Mega Ball number being 4. Lottery officials say that this was the 6^th largest win nationwide and the largest win in New York State.  The only problem:  Alcota isn’t a legal citizen.

                                                                                      

Monica Alcota snuck into the country over 10 years ago from Argentina.  With a pair of felt dog ears and some very convincing makeup, she rode in a dog kennel with the other luggage on an airplane.  Nobody suspected that the adorable puppy from South America was actually an illegal immigrant.  And the dog’s owner?  She was none other than Monica’s lesbian lover Cristina Ojeda—a U.S. citizen.

The two have lived together in New York City ever since, and were even married in Connecticut last year.  However, Alcota may now be deported.  The only thing keeping her here is the confusion over the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).  If DOMA is done away with, the marriage of Alcota and Ojeda will be considered valid, thereby making her eligible for U.S. citizenship.  However, if DOMA is here to stay, Manhattan’s immigration court won’t recognize Alcota’s marriage to a woman.  She’ll either have to get hitched to a hombre or go home to Argentina!

Monica Alcota’s not the only one coming to the U.S. from south of the border.  On Thursday the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the Hispanic population has risen by 43% in the last ten years.  There are now 50.5 million Latinos living in the United States, officially making them the second largest ethnic group.  Soon Spanish will be our national language and McDonald’s will serve sopes, and tamales, and chile relleno.  If you want to be prepared for our Spanish future, this news team suggests TiVo-ing Nickelodeon’s Dora the Explorer immediately.

Although loosely based on real news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.