JoaquiNews: Sheen is Fired in 140 Characters or Less

Charlie Sheen's most recent tweet.

A recent news story of a homeless man reuniting with his daughter through Twitter has swept the nation, bringing tears to many and boosting sales of Kleenex by more than 200%.  What an inspirational story!  Or was it?  Our team of reporters here at JoaquiNews has discovered the unsettling truth of the matter.  Although the man indeed appeared to be homeless—he was dirty, unkempt, and shouting obscenities into the street—in reality, he was no other than celebrity Charlie Sheen, star of the CBS television show Two and a Half Men.  And the reported daughter?  Turned out to be one of Sheen’s many underaged prostitutes.

Charlie Sheen’s unraveling has been something of a joke for some time now.  He recently went on a public rant saying things like, “I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bulls**t! I cured it with my brain, with my mind.” 

His newly developed mind-controlling powers are a result of his recent practice of voodoo and black magic.  Unlike other celebrities, who turn to reasonable expressions of spirituality such as Scientology, Sheen fancies himself a voodoo priest.  In a recent sex ceremony—the result of the famed Twitter hook-up—Charlie Sheen tripped over a candle and caused an entire Brooklyn apartment building to go up in flames.  Twenty firefighters were injured and an elderly woman died.

The elderly woman was the grandmother of Chuck Lorre, the creator of Two and a Half Men.  Of the incident Lorre tweeted, “Based on the totality of Charlie Sheen's statements, conduct and inexcusable blowtorching of my dear granny, CBS and Warner Bros. Television have decided to discontinue production of Two and a Half Men for the remainder of the season.”

Looks like Sheen can say goodbye to his $1.2 million per episode salary.

Although loosely based on real news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.