JoaquiNews: Banned Milk in Wisconsin

Union workers and teachers demand milk in Wisconsin.

First lady Michelle Obama recently celebrated the first year anniversary of her “Let’s Move” campaign fighting childhood obesity.  As part of her campaign, she has demanded that all babies be breastfed.  She recently told a reporter, “Because it's important to prevent obesity early, we're also working to promote breast-feeding… we know that babies that are breast-fed are less likely to be obese as children.”

Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker—father of no less than thirteen morbidly obese children under the age of five—has taken Obama’s words to heart.  Wisconsin is now the first state in the U.S. to ban any milk that doesn’t come from a female human.  Anyone caught drinking or selling cow’s milk (or goat’s, donkey’s, sheep’s, or elephant’s milk) will be sentenced to a life in prison.  On top of that, they will have to wear a fat suit while imprisoned to feel the literal weight of their bad choices.

Fourteen state senators love milk so much that they have fled the state in order to drink it freely.  The people of the state are also outraged.  Most of the state’s money comes from dairy farms, and now the state is completely broke.  In order to cut the state’s budget, a bill is being proposed to cut union benefits.  Union workers—including teachers—are now camped out around the Wisconsin State Capitol with protest signs saying “Got Milk?”  The answer, of course, is no.  Nobody has milk, and that is the problem.

Tea Party activists are now getting involved as well.  “We teabaggers are obsessed with drinking tea.  We drink more tea than the Queen Mum and the Mad Hatter combined.  We love it.  And we demand milk in our tea!  We demand it!  Things are going to get really ugly here if something doesn’t change quick.”

Let’s hope Michelle Obama can produce enough breast milk to feed over five million Wisconsinites.

Although loosely based on real news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.