JoaquiNews: Football Protests in Egypt

Young Egyptian protesters rally in opposition to football.

Jack Garcia, noted blogger and television personality, announced Saturday, February 5, 2011 that he would become a serious journalist writing about important current events.  The announcement was made from his Virginia vacation home, just days after Redskins lineman Albert Haynesworth assaulted him. 

The incident occurred Wednesday, Februrary 2, 2011 while Garcia was driving in his car.  He was blasting Glee The Music: Volume 4 and singing at the top of his lungs.  Several other motorists were annoyed with his loud, obnoxious singing, but Haynesworth decided to take matters into his own hands.  Literally.  He punched Garcia in the face.

Disturbed by the lack of media coverage over the issue, Garcia has decided to start his own newspaper JoaquiNews to “tell the news like it really is” he commented yesterday.  He has done his best to boycott football players, football fans, football uniforms, and even football-shaped party trays.  “People shouldn’t even have Super Bowl parties.  It’s disgusting.  It encourages vehicular violence and road rage.”

In order to prove his point, Garcia cites the recent protests in Egypt.  “People here in the U.S. are so stupid.  They think that the protesters are angry at their president, Hosni Mubarak, over political issues.  But everybody knows that Mubarak is a renowned American football enthusiast and Redskins fan.  The nation simply cannot sit quiet while he watches his football games.  They know how to deal with this sort of problem:  Fire in the streets!  Human chains!  If only we here in America would follow the Egyptian protesters’ lead!  We must not back down until the sport is gone for good.  “Football leaves, we leave!  Football leaves, we leave!”

Although many in the political arena are skeptical of Garcia’s theories, he stands by them.  And with a large audience expected to tune into the Super Bowl tonight, it seems that most people aren’t listening to his words of caution.

“Don’t watch the Super Bowl or you might get punched in the face.  Just watch the “Puppy Bowl” on Animal Planet instead.  Nobody ever died while watching adorable puppies.”

Although loosely based on real news stories (check the links), this article is FAKE.