Hogle Zoo

Yesterday, on our anniversary, we decided to go play around at Salt Lake City's Hogle Zoo.  We've been once before, but it rained on us the whole time and we left after less than an hour soaked and defeated.  This time however, the sun was shining and it wasn't even cold!  And let me tell you, we had an amazingly fun time!

First off, we saw so many wonderful animals!  Some of our favorites include the elephants (including baby elephant Zuri), the rhinos, the red kangaroo, and the giraffes!

"Wow... that mama elephant sure is a pumpkin hog!  Share with your baby, lady!"

"Aww... the rhino is a sad face."

"We've passed this kangaroo like three times... has it moved once from that spot?  LAZY!"

"Isn't it crazy that we had to climb up a floor just to be at eye level with these giraffes?"

There were lots of other animals like the tigers and the camels who we also enjoyed, but they weren't being as cooperative with our photo shoots.  They refused to get close enough, or to look our way.  Some were behind glass like the giant crocodiles and were hard to capture without a glare.  Some animals, however, were just behaving too inappropriately for us to photograph!  Like the two boy monkeys making out... just scandalous!  And they weren't the only two getting freaky.  You should have seen those snuggling porcupines.  I don't know how they didn't poke each other to death!

While we were looking at the tigers, Brian mentioned that his friend and her boyfriend had gotten sprayed by the tigers last time they were there.  But did those tigers spray us?  No.  And I couldn't help feeling a little sad that the animals never did anything crazy while I was around.  How come gorillas don't masturbate in front of me?  Am I not sexy enough?  How come the chimpanzees don't fling poop at me?  Am I not a sufficient target for their rage?  How come I've never been mauled by a lion or torn apart by a bear for getting too close to their cages?

So to cheer me up, Brian decided to break into the nearest exhibit...

"Watch me rip apart this stone wall!"

 ... and join the apes within!

"I wanna' be like you-oo-oo!"

And while the apes did accept Brian as one of their own, I still didn't feel any better.  "That's not as cool as getting sprayed by a tiger..." I said to him.

But little did I know, my own far more exciting adventures were soon to come.  While exploring the zoo's gift shop, Brian stumbled upon some strange candies.  Suckers filled with scorpions...  Boxes of crickets and larvae in flavors such as Sour Cream and Onion, Barbecue, Salt and Vinegar, and Bacon and Cheddar...

"Hey, Jack!  Look at these snacks... disgusting!  Who would eat these?"

I was so intrigued by what he found, that I had to buy them!  Seriously, who could resist such a novelty?  And with some arm-twisting, begging, and blackmail, I convinced Brian to try them with me.  And as soon as our tongues licked that blue scorpion sucker, we felt changes within us...

I turned into a turtle!

"What the ----?"

And Brian suddenly found himself being attacked by a snake!  I tried my best to help him, of course, but I couldn't get there in time!  Why do turtles move so slowly??!!  So Brian was completely devoured by the snake before I had even moved an inch.

"AAAAAAH!  Oh my gosh!  Don't eat me!"

But then the strangest thing happened.  The snake laid an egg, and out of that egg popped a little baby Brian!

"Ga Ga Goo Goo"

I began to cry over my fiance-turned-baby-snake, and with each tear, a part of my shell fell off.  I was no longer a turtle!  But before I could truly appreciate my human form, a lion snuck up behind me and pounced...

"Why do you have a faucet on your tongue?!  EEEK!"

But just as the lion was about to swallow me whole, I gave him a hard kick with my... black and white striped leg?  That's right, I had morphed into a zebra and I suddenly knew a thing or two about escaping crazed lions.  So I broke free and ran far, far away.

"Thank Goodness I turned into a zebra, now I have to find Brian again..."

I lost the lion and now had to find Brian.  I found him sitting with an elephant, who seemed to have nurtured him to adulthood.  And as Brian and I embraced, my zebra stripes faded away and I too returned to my normal state.  The two of us rode out of the zoo on the trunk of the elephant.  What a wonderful, day!  I now have an exciting zoo story to brag about!

"Yay!  What a fantastic day we had at the Hogle Zoo!"