Ask Joaquin: Who Proposed to Whom?

From Amberly:  Who proposed to whom?

That's a fantastic question.  Not too long ago we invited our friend Hannah and her boyfriend Andrew over to carve jack-o-lanterns and enjoy homemade pumpkin pie and apple cider.  It was an enjoyable evening, and being fairly new in our friendship there was a lot to talk about.  At one point we started to discuss how Brian and I got engaged... and funnily enough, the two of us got into a little argument over it.  His version didn't match mine!

Here's how I tell it.  One day in August 2009 I came home from work to find a dressed-up Brian and a table laid out with a scrumptious meal.  It was a random weeknight so I was a little surprised.  Then while we were eating, he got down on one knee and pulled out a box with a ring in it and proposed, saying something ridiculously sweet and romantic.  I, of course, smiled from ear to ear and said a most emphatic "YES!"  Brian says he had wanted to propose on my birthday (the 20th), but as soon as the ring came from online he just couldn't wait any longer!  He had to propose ASAP!

A few months later, November 2, we were celebrating our first anniversary in Park City, Utah.  We were in the hotel room when Brian asked for his anniversary gift.  I got on one knee and returned his proposal with a matching ring.  (The site he had used was still in our browser history, so finding the same ring was surprisingly easy.)  Unfortunately the ring I had gotten him was way too big and I had to send it back and get him a replacement.  I'm not sure how I was so off with the size.  I had printed out a paper ring sizer and while he was sleeping I measured his finger.  I realize now how creepy that sounds.

So to sum up, Brian proposed to me and then I proposed to him.

But here's where Brian swoops in to correct me.  That wasn't when he first proposed, even though that's what I consider to be the "official" proposal.  That's the story I usually tell people.  But in reality, Brian asked me to marry him much sooner than that.  And when I say "much sooner" I mean like Mormon-dating fast.  He unofficially asked me to marry him like a week or two into our relationship.  Kinda embarrassing, so you can see why I would choose to tell the version where we had been dating for almost a year.  I believe we were in his car and he just asked me if I would marry him.  And I said yes.  He talked about how it would have been cool to take me on a carriage ride in Salt Lake City to propose (which they have around Christmastime), but again, his anxiousness to ask me interfered with grander romantic plans.

So really, Brian and I have wanted to get married pretty much from the get-go.  Four years later, we're finally going to make that happen.

Ask Joaquin: Will You Be Taking Brian's Last Name?

I answered some marriage-related questions on the 11th, but more and more just keep coming!

From Kathi (my mom):  So are you changing your name to Kesler?  *Note, this question is one of the most frequently asked.

That's a very good question.  In a traditional heterosexual marriage (in our particular culture, that is) the woman takes on the last name of her husband, but in our situation neither one of us is the blushing bride.  In fact, we even know some straight couples where the woman has kept her name. Early on in our engagement, Brian and I had discussed the possibility of changing both our surnames to Kesler-Garcia, to reflect our union, but I would cease to be Jack John Garcia III, and what a shame it would be to lose my suffix!  Besides, name-changing is a hassle.  So, no, Mom, I will still bear the name you and my father had given me from the start.  However, any future children we hope to adopt will be given the name Kesler-Garcia.

From Anonymous:  Which one of you is the "man" and which is the "woman"?  or... Which one of you is wearing the dress?

As stated in response to the above question, neither one of us is the bride.  Perhaps in other same-sex couples this question is applicable (I won't try to speak for gays everywhere), but in our case, neither one of us is a cross-dresser or transvestite, so no wedding dress will be worn.  For those going to our reception, expect to see us in nice suits.  And as far as our relationship goes, neither one of us can be categorized as the "man" 100% of the time nor the "woman" 100% of the time.  I won't even begin to say how incredibly sexist this question is...  Just know that Brian and I function as equals.  We both have jobs, we both go to school, and we both take care of the house when we have time.  Brian enjoys cooking more, so he does all the cooking.  I'm more of a neat-freak, so I do most of the cleaning.  We have a good balance that way, and it has nothing to do with preconceived gender roles.

From Katherine (Brian's mom):  Will you be in New York City long enough to get everything done?  Won't you need a blood test?

Actually, a blood test is not a requirement for a marriage license in the state of New York.  In fact, the whole process is relatively simple.  Almost shockingly so.  According to the website for the City Clerk's Office in NYC, all we need to do is fill out an application (which we have already done online), pay the fee, and present our social security number and driver's license to obtain a marriage license.  We must then wait at least 24 hours to have the wedding ceremony which will also take place in the City Clerk's Office.  For that we will need the marriage license (obviously), another fee payment, and a witness (thankfully Brian's cousin Patrick has agreed to fly out to NYC to fill that role).  So to sum it all up, on Thursday, November 1st we will take care of the marriage license stuff and then on Friday, November 2nd (our four-year anniversary) we will seal the deal with a court ceremony and start a new chapter in our lives as newlyweds!

From Emily:  What kind of wedding gift do I give a gay couple?  I've never done this before!

Well, thanks for your concern, but we're really not all that different.  We homosexuals enjoy many of the same household items that you do and they don't even have to be rainbow-colored or covered in glitter.  So you know that toaster you always buy for your straight friends who tie the knot?  That would work for us too!  (Although, in all seriousness, we already have a toaster so thanks but no thanks).  If gift-giving is really hard for you, you can always stick to our registry or just give money.  Because gay or straight, money makes everybody happy!

From Brett:  Will there be drinking at your reception?

Sorry to disappoint those desperately in search of an open bar, but our reception will be a dry one.  I know, we're totally lame.  One reason is that alcohol is really expensive and it's just not within our budget.  Also, we're really grateful some of our LDS friends and relatives are coming at all and we didn't want to make them any more uncomfortable by throwing champagne into the mix.  But mostly there will be no drinking because the venue doesn't allow it.  "Curse those pesky contracts!"

But what you can expect is a whole lot of sober fun!  The tentative schedule goes something like this:  Meet and greet for the first 45 minutes or so followed by a special video presentation and the couple's first dance.  Live music by Van Lady Love (featuring an old mission buddy as the lead singer) will continue from about 8 to 9, so prepare to be entertained.  The cake will then be cut and served (don't worry, we'll have various cheesecakes available all throughout the night as well) and a dance party will commence for the remaining hour.  So.  Much.  Fun.

Of course you can come and go as you please, but seriously, you'll want to stay for all the awesomeness.

Ask Joaquin: Who is Veronica?

From Cheryl:  Hey, so I just read your newest comic and I don't get it... I mean, who's Veronica?

Hey, Cheryl!  Great question.  Let me give you a quick rundown as to who Veronica is.  Veronica is a white statue of a woman's torso.  As you can see from the comic, she has no legs, arms or head.  I bought her for an online drawing class I took a few years ago and since then she's just been a part of our household.  In every past apartment we've ever lived in she's been displayed on a table or shelf in the living room somewhere.  And since she's a naked lady in a gay man's house, she's quite the conversation starter!

Our first roommate, Tess, is responsible for naming her Veronica and since then she's been a running joke.  She even had her own Facebook account once.  Brian's mom is especially fond of Veronica.  For Christmas one year she bought Veronica a gift which turned out to be a bra.  For Valentine's Day once, his mom sent us a photo of Veronica dressed in sexy lingerie.  When we moved into this apartment, we didn't bring Veronica with us, so on April Fool's Day Brian's mom doorbell ditched Veronica on our doorstep with a coat and a note that said, "How could you leave me locked in a closet?"  The latest comic is somewhat based on that experience... we were indeed shocked to find Veronica on our doorstep!

As far as comics go, before I called them Chihuahua Comics they were called Veronica and Friends and they featured our then-roommate Mesun as well.  I even did an animated short of Veronica and Friends entitled "Poop" which featured neither Mesun nor Veronica (except for the opening title).  I've posted the short on this blog before, but here it is again:



Veronica's really only been drawn in a comic a handful of times and for a short stint she hacked into my blogger profile and began posting horribly-drawn and mean-spirited comics of Brian and I.  I have since deleted them from this blog and destroyed all remaining copies.  That's partly why we left her behind when we moved.  But now the diva is back to ruin our lives...

Ask Joaquin: How Do You Make Your Comics?

From Jerry:  How do you make your Chihuahua Comics?  I mean, what's your process?

That's an excellent question, Jerry!  Obviously I draw them.  Usually with a pencil.  On paper.  But if you really want to know the whole process, I'd be delighted to share it with you.

Every Chihuahua Comic begins with an idea.  Not necessarily a good idea, but the best one my little pea brain can come up with.  A lot of the time I jot down ideas when I'm at work, like this:

Then I get a regular ol' sheet of 8.5x11 inch white copy paper and, with a ruler, draw out the frame layout.  I roughly sketch in how I want each frame to look (where the character will be, where the speech bubbles will go, etc.).

Once I'm satisfied with the layout, I'll use a pencil to refine the rough sketch and draw the cartoon.  Sometimes I'll take a photo of myself as a reference to make sure I get the gestures right.  And yes, I stand in for everybody.

Once the pencil drawing is complete, I'm ready to go over the lines with a black Sharpie marker.

Then I erase all the pencil lines and the comic is almost finished...

...except for the color!  Yep, just some Crayola colored pencils.

Once the comic has been colored, it's ready to be scanned into the computer.

The first thing I do once it's in the computer is take it to PicMonkey.Com to rotate it (it scans in vertical) and adjust the colors.

Then I use Paint to put black bars between each frame and add the "Chihuahua Comics" logo, title and date.

Now the comic is really done and I can put it into a Blogger post.

And voila!  Just like that each Chihuahua Comic appears on my blog for everyone to enjoy.  I hope that answered your question, Jerry.  If there are any follow-up questions, shout em out in the Comments section below.

Wizard Week Ask Joaquin: Triple the Potter Questions!

From Jennifer:  How do you predict that J.K. Rowling will add to the series?

Well, I would love it if she came out with a series of books that followed James and Lily Potter’s generation.  I would like to see them in school with Lupin and Sirius and all that.  Rather than a series of books following the adult Harry, I just think it would be fascinating to see more of the back story to these characters that we already know and love.  In the few memories of James and Lily in their younger days, they just seem like such opposites.  James seems like a jerk actually, so I would like to gain a broader perspective of his character.

But I doubt that will ever happen.  An encyclopedia of the Harry Potter universe has been rumored for some time though, so I’m thinking that might be a logical prediction.  J.K. Rowling has recently announced a new interactive website called Pottermore that’s supposed to fill in a lot of the details that she has in her head that have never been written down.  Here she is explaining what Pottermore will be:  

From Michelle:  What parts are you looking forward to watching in the last movie?

A lot of really exciting things happen in the last half of the seventh book that I am excited to see on the big screen.  The big battle at Hogwarts with the giants and the suits of armor…  Molly Weasley dueling Bellatrix…  The final confrontation between Harry and Voldemort…  SO MUCH ACTION!  I’m also really curious to see how they handle the otherworldly scene at King’s Cross and the epilogue at the end when the kids are all grown up with children of their own.  But the scene I want to see the most is where they explain Snape’s past.  I loved that part in the book so much!  Snape is such a fascinating character!

Honestly, I will probably enjoy every millisecond of this movie.  In fact, this reminds me of a spoof The Onion News Network did.  You should watch it if you haven’t already… it's hilarious!

From Elyssa:  If you were the author of the Harry Potter series and you were able to make some revisions to the plot, what would they be?

It’s really hard to answer this question because I love the Harry Potter books so much!  How could a measly mortal such as I attempt to alter the godlike work of J.K. Rowling?  But since you are so curious, the first thing I would do is have Hermione end up with Victor Krum.  Sure he was a little dimwitted, but he’s a professional Quidditch player!  Come on!  Athletes are stinking rich!

Another change would be to have Ginny end up with Dean Thomas.  Have you seen interracial babies?  They are adorable!  Besides, with Ginny and Hermione both dating other people, it frees up Harry and Ron… so they can fall in love with each other!  It’s so unfair that Dumbledore was the only homosexual character…

Speaking of Harry and Ron together, have you seen this YouTube video yet?  Amazing what a bit of editing can do!

Ask Joaquin: What is Your Favorite Pixar Movie?

From Anonymous:  What is your favorite Pixar movie?

Well, this question could essentially be answered in one sentence, and that would be a very short blog post!  So I'm going to take the opportunity to rank all twelve of their movies from my least favorite to my most favorite.  Sound good?

Now, the movies on the bottom of my list don't mean that they are bad.  Ranking Pixar movies is like ranking jewels.  The jewel that ends up in last place is still a jewel, just less shiny than the jewel in first place!

12 Cars 2
Cars 2 is vastly different from the first Cars movie.  So different that it's almost hard to think of it as a sequel at all.  And while I found it to be really fun and exciting with all of its espionage and action, it just didn't resonate emotionally like most Pixar movies do.
11 Cars
While Cars 2 is fast and flashy, the original Cars was slow and nostalgic.  While it's about friendship and finding what's important in life, it's also an ode to forgotten small towns.  Growing up in Ordway, Colorado I could definitely relate!
10 Toy Story 2
Toy Story 2 broke the rule that sequels have to suck.  This movie successfully continued the story of our favorite toys while introducing us to some great new characters.  The song "When She Loved Me" makes me cry every time.
9 A Bug's Life
A Bug's Life was Pixar's second movie and it proved that Toy Story wasn't just a fluke.  It's based on the Aesop fable about an ant and a grasshopper, but it's like ten times cooler!  I just love Heimlich's "I'm a beautiful butterfly!"
8 Monster's, Inc.
The concept of Monster's, Inc. is so original!  What if the monsters in our closets were scared of us?  Brilliant!  The little girl Boo is so adorable, the monsters are so funny, and that climax with all of the doors is simply awesome!  I'm excited for the prequel Monsters University in 2013.
7 Ratatouille
This movie came out while I was living in Chile and I remember seeing some posters for it and thinking, "Who wants to watch a movie about a rat in a kitchen?"  Well, the answer to that question is "ME!"  For a foodie, Ratatouille is such a decadent and savory film!  It has a really interesting story, a great message, and I love the French atmosphere with the beautiful score and the gorgeous color palette.
6 The Incredibles
On the surface, The Incredibles is about retired superheroes.  But it's so much more than that.  It's a family drama centered around the parents feeling unfulfilled in life.  Something I think many can relate to.  I also love how the superpowers match each person perfectly.  We have the dad who is strong and dependable, the mom who stretches herself thin running the household, the teenage girl who wishes she could disappear and the little boy who is full of rambunctious energy.
5 Toy Story 
The beginning of the Pixar legacy, Toy Story is a monumental film.  Not only is it the first full-length computer animated movie in the history of cinema, it's a really good movie!  I remember when I first saw this movie and the goosebumps it gave me.  The images were so real!  The characters were so funny and relatable!  It was like nothing I had ever seen.  I was impressed with the visual style, the heartwarming story, and the great adventure of it all.  What kid didn't imagine their toys having a life all their own?
4 Toy Story 3
Over a decade later Pixar decided to add yet another sequel to the Toy Story franchise.  I was a little skeptical, because let's face it, movies that end in "3" usually aren't very good.  But in my opinion, Toy Story 3 managed to surpass the original in excellence.  Our favorite toys are on another spectacular adventure, but this time they are ten years older and so is their owner Andy.  This movie was very bittersweet, providing lots of laughs while reminding us all that at some point we have to grow up and move on.  I was so scared that the toys were going to die in the end that I was bawling my eyes out.  Who else but Pixar can make me fall in love with plastic toys?
3 Finding Nemo
Finding Nemo is movie magic!  The underwater world is so artfully depicted that I wish I were an amphibian!  Oh, and this movie is where I first fell in love with Ellen DeGeneres!  Ha ha!  Her delightfully quirky Dory is so fun to watch and she balances out the serious fuddy duddy Marlin perfectly.  I loved Nemo's struggles to prove himself and his father's struggle to let him do so.  The various characters they meet and the obstacles they face are so memorable, like the stinging jellyfish or the surfin' sea turtles.  And Dory's motto of "Just keep swimming" are words to live by.
2 Up
Up, to me, was the perfect balance of comedy and tragedy.  I was laughing and crying in equal measure all throughout.  The opening sequence telling Carl and Ellie's story through music and beautiful animation is probably one of the greatest scenes in movie history.  It's so wonderful.  And from there we embark on a whimsical adventure with balloons pulling a floating house, exotic birds, talking dogs, and an unlikely friendship between an old man and a little boy.  Up is colorful and bright while dealing with the heavy themes of death and loss and regret.  I love it!
1 WALL-E
WALL-E is an exceptional film.  Not as an animated film, or as a Pixar film, or as a kid's film... no, WALL-E is hands down an exceptional film period. The cinematography is stunning, the musical score and all the sound effects are ingenious and the storytelling is pitch-perfect... and oh what a story it is!  One trash-compacting robot is the last "living" thing on earth.  Humans have long since abandoned the planet and are floating in space.  Wall-E's life is simple... that is until he meets Eve who is a robot sent to earth in search of plantlife.  She finds a small leaf in a boot and returns to the ship.  Wall-E, smitten with her, follows.  By the movie's end the robots have fallen in love and the humans have returned to earth.  Although this movie was scoffed at by some for being too environmental or too against big business, I think the real point of WALL-E is to remind us about our own humanity.  To remind us to love one another and appreciate all the good that the universe has to offer!

Ask Joaquin: If You Became a Millionaire Overnight, What Would You Buy?

From Loren:  If you became a millionaire overnight, what would you buy?

That's a great question, Loren!  Here's the breakdown:

• A new computer!! Mine isn't very reliable.  Sometimes I'll be using it and it will just shut off.  It's very frustrating.  Also, my computer isn't very powerful.  I would want a really powerful, reliable computer that I could do a lot with.
• Once I had the new computer, I would want to buy animation software!  Even Photoshop or Illustrator would be nice.  I just really need some technology!
• Brian and I have been wanting a Wii for a long time now (Brian's old one broke).  We'd get a Wii Fit so we can get healthy.  And also the new Super Mario game... and Lost in Shadow.
• We haven't bought new clothes in far too long.  There isn't a thing in my closet that I like.  I don't even have a good-fitting pair of jeans.  So I think I would hit up the mall and go on a shopping spree!
• And if I'm a millionaire in need of clothes, I might just fly to Paris or Milan!  Brian and I could sure use a vacation!  We could see the sights, eat delicious food and probably never come back!
• Oh, I also need a car.  Not having one sucks.  So I'd get me a new car, and pay off Brian's.
• Since I'm paying things off, I'd pay off our remaining credit card debt, student loans, and the money we owe our families.
• Brian and I could both enroll in school full-time and pay it all upfront.  A stress-free, debt-free education.  Wouldn't that be nice?
• We would also buy a big house with plenty of room for all our adopted children!  Not here in Utah, though.  If we were millionaires we would definitely move to New York.

What would you buy?

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Ask Joaquin: Why Did the Chicken Cross the Road?

From Anonymous:  Why did the chicken cross the road?

The answer is simple... TO GET TO THE OTHER SIDE!

Or is it?

Perhaps an unexpected windstorm swept up all the chicken feed and blew it across the road.  The poor chickens in a starved and desperate state turned to cannibalism, eating the deliciously juicy thighs of their sisters, tender breast meat of their mothers, and all of the unborn chicks sunny-side up.  One brave God-fearing chicken resisted this savage impulse and risked all by crossing the dangerous road in search of her precious food.  Dodging semi trucks, motorcycle gangs, and reckless teenage girls in convertibles, the chicken crossed that treacherous bypass and found a nirvana of chicken feed.  She ate to her heart's content, laughing silently at the misfortune of her old comrades on the other side.

That is until the wind scattered all her food away again...

Ask Joaquin: Why Are the Concession Prices So High?

From many random movie theater customers:  Why are the concession prices so high?

I haven't received any new questions from you guys, so today's "Ask Joaquin" is in response to a question that I get asked incessantly while working at the movie theater.  People are always commenting on the high prices of the concession items.  Some people just joke about it saying things like, "How much is my total?  A million dollars! Ha ha!"  But other customers get absolutely offended and ask, "How can you sleep at night?"

It's pretty easy to sleep actually, because--guess what--overcharging you isn't exactly murder!  In fact, you aren't being forced to buy concessions at all!  It is physically possible to watch a movie without eating popcorn.  You can see the prices and decide whether or not you want to pay them.  You can always say to yourself, "I don't feel like I should pay almost five dollars for a soda.  I think I'll pass on that."  But yet here you are, buying these optional treats anyway while whining to me.

But why are they so expensive?  Well, I used to just think that movie theaters charged high prices simply because they could.  I assumed they figured they had a monopoly on snack foods (you can't bring in your own, you know) and they knew people would dish out the money anyway.  However, theaters charge so much on their snacks because they actually have to if they want to make any money.

Now you're thinking, "But they already charged me an arm and a leg on the movie ticket... isn't that enough?  Those greedy poop faces!"  Well, the truth is, the theater doesn't actually make very much (if anything) on your ticket!  Do you know who does?  The movie studio that made the movie!

This is how it goes:  The theater signs a lease with the movie studio to play their newest movie.  The movie studio generally takes in 75% - 100% of the profits from ticket sales.  After a movie has been out a few weeks, the theater may start to keep a larger percentage, but really, they aren't making a profit from ticket sales.  The little they make from the ticket doesn't even begin to cover the costs of running all of the projectors, maintaining such a large building, employing so many employees, etc.

So to not go bankrupt, they have to raise the prices on the concessions and hope that you come and buy some popcorn or soda.  A theater manager once said, "We are not in the movie business... we are in the candy business."  So if you like the fact that a local theater is offering a showing of the movie you want to watch, you better buy some dang candy!  Because if you don't, your theater will shut down and you'll have to wait for the DVD release!

Wizard Week Ask Joaquin: A Trio of Harry Potter Questions Gets Answered by Yours Truly

I received so many great Harry Potter questions for this week’s “Ask Joaquin” that I decided to answer more than one.  I hope you enjoy reading my responses!

From Rebecca:  If you could undo the death of any Harry Potter character, who would it be and why?

Great question!  Although I bawled my eyes out when Dumbledore died, I wouldn’t undo his death.  I feel like his death needed to happen; he knew what he was doing when he asked Snape to do what he did.  He also lived a long and full life, and all great things must come to an end.

So who would I save?  It would have to be Sirius Black.  I always thought it was such a tragedy for Harry to discover at age 13 he has a loving godfather just to have him taken away two years later.  It would have been nice for Harry to eventually live with Sirius like they had talked about, especially since Sirius always had such great advice and held so many memories of Harry’s family that he could share over the years.  And Sirius was still so young!!  He never got married or anything.  He just lived his life in prison… it’s so sad!

From Kelsey:  Would you rather be excellent at magic like Hermione, a natural at Quidditch like Harry, or have an amazing magical family like Ron?

First off, it’s sad that your question makes it sound like Ron doesn’t have any special abilities… he just has a family.  Ha ha.  But I guess it’s true.  He’s not exceptionally gifted at anything really, is he?  Except for making Hermione swoon I suppose.  And snogging.  Apparently he’s very good at that, or else Lavender wouldn’t have kissed him so much.

Let me get back to your question, though.  Anyone who knows me knows that I am not at all interested in sports, so I wouldn’t really care to be a great Quidditch player.  And as far as having Ron’s family is concerned, I’m already blessed with a terrific family of my own.  So I would choose to have Hermione’s knack for magic.  Oh, the things I could do with a wand!

From Andrew:  If you could make out with any Harry Potter character, who would it be and why?

Scandalous!  Oh my, oh my!  Well, Andrew, you've told me who you would make out with (Ginny), so I guess it's only fair that I share mine.  At first I was just going to say Harry.  I mean, who wouldn't want to make out with the boy who lived?  But then I felt like there were some overlooked guys who might be pretty fun to kiss.  I decided to bring Brian in on the action, so together the two of us have come up with a list of characters besides Harry Potter who we would like to smooch.  So here they are, in no particular order:

• Oliver Wood-  He's totally cute, has a Scottish accent, and is the Gryffindor Captain.  Too bad he graduated so early on in the series.

• Dean Thomas-  He's black... and he has nice teeth.  Did we mention he's black?

• Gilderoy Lockhart-  He may be dumb, but he did win Witch Weekly's Most Charming Smile Award.  He's basically got that British older man charm and he's a snazzy dresser!

• Fred and George Weasley-  (at the same time)  They are very funny, with fiery red hair, and they are more than a little mischievous.  Plus now that they are business owners, they have plenty of money.

• Draco Malfoy-  He's a tortured soul, which gives him a dark Gothic sensuality.  And his hair is so shiny!

• Tom Riddle- (before he became ugly) He seems so calm and tranquil, yet in his eyes there is a fierce animal magnetism.  There's something very sexy about a man with so much power and ambition.

• Young Grindlewald-  He's mysterious and he's gay.  I mean, rumor has it he dated Dumbledore which makes him very desirable.

• Firenze-  He's part man, part horse.  Too kinky?  Maybe.  But definitely a tale to tell.

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Ask Joaquin: What is Your Favorite Part of the Human Face?

From Anonymous:  What is your favorite part of the human face and why?

It's a good thing you specified it as a "human" face.  If you had just asked "What is your favorite part of a face?" I would have instinctively assumed you were referring to an elephant's face.  Elephant faces are customary in conversations such as these.  My answer would have been the trunk obviously.  Second to the valuable tusks and third to the dumbo-sized ears.

But the human face?  What an odd thing to ask.  Allow me to think aloud for a moment and consider the positive qualities of each.

The eyes...

• They can be made to cry through various means.  You can cut an onion, or watch a sad movie, or even get shampoo in them.
• It's fun to poke people in the eyes.  Poke.  Poke.
• You can accessorize eyes with eyeglasses or sunglasses.  Even an eye patch if you are truly daring.
• They come in five colors:  brown, hazel, blue, green and satanic red.
• Eyes are said to be the "window to the soul" ... whatever the heck that means.
• They are really useful when taking an eye exam (except for those last few lines which I don't think anybody can read).

The ears...

• Probably the best place to collect ear wax.
• The older you get the more hair will grow out of them.  More hair is better, right?
• Can be used to listen to your iPod, conveniently tuning out annoying people who want to talk to you.
• They hold up your glasses (or a spare pencil in case of writing emergencies).

The mouth...

• It is the best place to insert food.  Shoving food directly into your stomach through your belly button is not a good idea.  I've tried.  The mouth works better.
• Used for mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.
• Similar to mouth-to-mouth resuscitation, it can be used for kissing.  Unless you are an Eskimo.
• Can be turned up at the corners to create a smile, or turned down to make a frown.
• Needed to say the old Campbell's slogan "Mmm... mmm... good" or sing the Hanson hit "MMMBop."

The nose...

• You can't "wake up and smell the coffee" without it.
• Picking it provides hours of entertainment for most school-aged children (and the occasional lonely adult).
• It's the claim-to-fame for Barbra Streisand.

So as you can see, each aspect of the human face has many benefits.  After careful consideration, I have decided that my favorite facial part would have to be the mouth.  You might think it's because I like kissing, but really I just love singing Hanson tunes all day!

Ask Joaquin: Are You Hung Like a Horse?

From Blake:  Are you hung like a horse?

That’s an interesting question.  For starters, I’ve never known a horse to be hung.  I’ve heard of a towel being hung on a towel rack, or drapes being hung on a curtain rod, or even clothes being hung on a hanger… but I don’t think horses can be hung.  For starters, they are fairly large animals, and a hook to hang such an animal would have to be extremely durable to support the weight.  Plus with all of the bucking and kicking horses tend to do, I wouldn’t want to be the one to attempt it.  Most people just store them in stalls, standing upright on all four legs.

Ignoring the confusing horse reference, I wonder if you are asking if I’ve hanged myself.  If that is the case, I’m flattered that you are so concerned with my mental well-being.  However, your worry is unwarranted.  Let me assure you that I am not, in fact, suicidal.  Nor do I feel like somebody else would want to hang me.  I mean, it's not like I have committed a crime in an old western town, so I doubt any sheriff will be hanging me by a noose any time soon.

So based on that reasoning, the answer is no.  No, I am not hung like a horse.

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Ask Joaquin: Wut Do U Think I Wuld Look Like Wit Straight Bangs?

From Renee:  Wut do u think i wuld look like wit straight bangs?

Today's "Ask Joaquin" question comes from my dear, sweet sister via text (can you tell?).  She wants to know what she'll look like with bangs, so I figured I'd help her get an idea.  Below is a picture of Renee as she currently is, next to an artist's rendering of what she might look like with straight-across bangs:

Hmm...  Pretty cute, huh?  I think you should go for it!  You only live once, Renee!  And while we're on the subject of new hairstyles, have you ever considered an afro?

 Hey, soul sista!  Or what about a mohawk?

 

A little too edgy?  Dad might kill me if I convince you to get a nose-piercing...  maybe you should just stick with the bangs.  Good, sweet, wholesome bangs.

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Ask Joaquin: Why is Cupid a Fat, Flying Baby?

From Rebecca:  Why the hell is Cupid a fat, flying baby with a bow and arrow?  And why does he ignore awesome people?

Thanks for this post-Valentine’s Day question, Rebecca!  I shall do my very best to answer your query thoroughly.  In fact, I’ll break it down into parts.

 For starters, let’s focus on the word fat.  Seeing as he’s a baby, it’s probably better that he is a bit on the chubby side.  A skinny baby is usually a sickly baby.  Besides, this is America, and we like things to be fat.  Look at Santa!  We love him all fat and jolly.  We can identify with that.  A skinny cupid would be like a skinny Santa.  It’s just un-American.

Why does he fly?  That’s a little trickier.  I looked into the Roman myth of Cupid (or Eros in Greek mythology).  Did you know he’s the son of Venus and Mars?  Yup.  His name even means “Desire.”  However, I’m not really sure as to why he has wings.  Maybe to represent his deity, but I don’t think Venus is depicted with wings, is she?  Or Mars?  So why does Cupid have wings?  I’m not sure.  But winged things are really cool aren’t they?  Like angels.  And dragons.  And maxi pads.

The baby part is also kind of a weird issue.  In lots of old paintings and sculptures he’s depicted as a little naked winged boy.  Not an infant.  However, nowadays, he’s always a baby.  Sometimes in diapers.  The diaper addition is understandable.  Americans these days are prude and really terrified of nudity.  Even baby nudity, so obviously he has to have a diaper.  But that’s just a tangent.  The myth says Cupid falls in love with Psyche, and I just can’t picture a baby (or even a small boy) falling in love with anybody.  Really makes no sense at all.

The bow and arrow also comes from the myth.  He has a gold arrow to make people fall in love, and a lead arrow to make people hate each other.  That’s perfectly logical, right?  Nothing weird about that.  Besides, do you have a different weapon suggestion for him?  I’m sorry, but I do not want my Valentine’s Day card to feature a machine-gun-toting cherub.  That’s a little too violent for my taste.

And then you wonder why he ignores awesome people.  My poor friend, Rebecca.  I hate to be the one to say it, but he doesn’t ignore awesome people.  I’m the most awesome person I know, and Cupid has definitely shot me with his golden arrow.  Shot through the heart.  So if you are implying that Cupid hasn’t gotten you a date, then maybe you aren’t awesome.

Ouch.  That was mean.  Maybe you are awesome, but Cupid’s just operating on a different schedule.  Or maybe he’s got a painful diaper rash right now and you’re just not at the top of his priority list.  My advice?  Send him some Calmoseptine for that rash and I’m sure he’ll get to your love life sooner rather than later. 

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Ask Joaquin: How are Things Going in California?

From a lot of people:  How are things going in California? (or a similar variant of the question)

I figured the best way to end this month was to give you a recap of our fabulous success here in the bustling city of Los Angeles!  Scratch that.  Our moderate good fortune in the L.A. area!  No… still a bit misleading.  Okay.  I thought I would end this month by recapping our thus far unsuccessful move to Littlerock (even though we wanted to be in L.A. and told everybody that was where we were moving to and yet here we are). 

Let’s look back week by week and see where we went wrong.

Week One

After such a horrendous drive out here, I think we were just excited to be in California finally.  We were like kids in a candy store, running around oohing and awing over every little thing.  “Let’s drive to L.A. today and look at apartments!  That’s fun!” or “After your audition, Brian, we should stop by Hollywood Boulevard and check out the Walk of Fame and stuff.  You know, be tourists!”  Yay!  Fun, fun, fun in the sun, sun, sun!

Week Two

By this point we realized that if we ever wanted to actually rent any of the apartments we were drooling over, we would have to obtain employment.  So the job search began.  We went to Starbucks to use the free wi-fi to fill out muchos online applications and sent our resumes pretty much everywhere.  Of course, we still found time to play around at our favorite store, Charlie Brown Farms.  I mean, after a while Starbucks does kick you out, you know.

Week Three

Somebody actually wanted to interview me!  Hooray!  It was DialogueDirect and I thought, “Hey, sounds like a poopy job but it’s for a good cause.  And the pay is pretty decent, so why not?”  So we drove to Culver City for the interview, and I was hired!  That’s progress!  I went to training, had my first day out on the streets of downtown Los Angeles… and then quit.  Yep.  Wasn’t for me.  So Brian and I went to temp agencies and are hoping to be placed into a job soon.

Week Four

Got an email from Eva and our long-anticipated animation project “Tenny” has finally gotten all the legal approval necessary for funding.  Which means that we can finally—finally!—start in February.  Brian had to do some tests on Excel and Word to see if he qualifies for a certain job that came up… so let’s cross our fingers that he gets it!  Because if he has that job and I’m working on “Tenny,” we should be okay money-wise.  We are also awaiting his liquidated mutual fund (which is in the mail according to Edward Jones) which will put some much-needed dinero into our bank account.  Oh, I should also mention that we toured The Art Institute of California - Hollywood, although I seriously doubt I’ll ever be able to afford it…

So where did we go wrong?  Let’s see. We should have started looking for jobs sooner.  This wasn’t supposed to be a vacation to Hollywood.  And we should have hit up the temp agencies first, rather than relying on Craigslist and stuff.  My Aunt Rachel has always had success with temp agencies (and it was her prompting that led us to go that route).  We also should have been more frugal with the money we brought with us, because we wasted a lot of it that first week or two on frivolities.

Sigh.  Lessons learned.  Let’s move on to February, shall we?

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Ask Joaquin: Why is the Sky Blue?

From Mesun: Why is the sky blue?

Now, a lot of people (the science-type with thick glasses and pocket protectors) will feed you a bunch of mumbo-jumbo about Rayleigh scattering and wavelengths, but they don't know anything.  They really don't.  If you want to know why the sky is blue, the man who will tell you is James Cameron.

Recently, he made a film about his discoveries called Avatar.  You see, Avatar tells the story of a planet called Pandora where a race of human-like blue aliens (called Na'vi) live.  What most people don't know, is that the planet Pandora bumps right up against our planet Earth.  They are good friends, Pandora and Earth, and some would even say inseparable.  Like Siamese twins.  When we look up into the sky, what we see is Pandora.

Confused?  Understandable.  You would think we would see a green sky for all of the lush plant-life on Pandora.  But those Na'vi (the blue people) actually mate like rabbits and have multiplied so heavily that they have literally covered every inch of their planet.  Pandora is just swarming with blue Na'vi and from our point-of-view, we look up and see a mass of blue "sky."

Thank you, Mesun, for your question.  And thank you, James Cameron, for enlightening a generation.