JoaquiNews: Royal Divorce

Catherine and William: their royal wedding ends in a royal divorce!

LONDON—The one thing every little girl dreams of came true:  Catherine Middleton married a pretty white pony and rode away with him over the rainbow.  Actually that didn’t happen, but she did marry a handsome prince and became a princess, which is another thing little girls dream of.  To be fair, not all little girls dream of princesses and ponies.  Some of them even dream about dressing like skanky whores, which is what Catherine did at a 2002 student fashion show.  The moral of this fairy tale is “if you got it, flaunt it” and you will marry a prince!

She and Prince William were wed Friday, April 29^th in Westminster Abbey.  The ceremony was broadcast all over the world via television, web, and royal messengers with trumpets.  After the wedding, the two shared their first kiss on the balcony of Buckingham Palace in view of an immense crowd of cheering voyeurs, all wishing their lives could be half as exciting as William’s and Catherine’s.  However, it seems that Catherine and William’s fairy tale wedding will not end in “happily ever after.”  A mere two days after the royal nuptials, the prince and princess have announced their divorce.

Adorned in a large hat so big that it had to be held up with tent poles around her, Catherine Middleton spoke to the press early this morning.  "When you're unhappy in your marriage, your children are the ones who suffer," she says.  "That's the last thing I wanted for my son."  Poor William didn’t even know Catherine had a son!  Such secrets may have doomed the relationship from the start.  Sources say Middleton kept a lot of things hidden, including her son, her arrest for public intoxication, and her starring role in Burlesque.

"Things were so unhealthy and unhappy for both Prince William and me, I knew I had to end it,” Middleton continued, struggling to stand under the weight of her enormous flowered hat.  “At least I get to keep the ring and the tiara, even if I don’t get to keep the title.”

JoaquiNews: Nicolas Cage Arrested for Public Drunkenness

Nicolas Cage's mug shot.

NEW ORLEANS—Academy Award winning actor Nicolas Cage was arrested for public drunkenness, disturbing the peace and domestic abuse on Friday.  Cage was in New Orleans to shoot a movie, and according to police officers on the scene, he got himself so completely drunk that he made Charlie Sheen look like a respectable member of society.  He got into a loud argument with his wife on the street and then forcibly grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into a house that wasn’t even theirs. 

The homeowners were too star struck to say anything as Cage beat his wife with an Oscar trophy and then blacked out in the corner after downing a bottle of Listerine.  All of this behavior might have been overlooked if it had been during Mardi Gras, but alas it was just a regular old Friday.  Cage was thrown into jail.

Research shows that Nicolas Cage has been a drunk since he was two years old.  It was at an Olive Garden in Florida where the then toddler sipped on his first sangria.  A waitress had accidentally given it to him (instead of his apple juice) and he was instantly hooked.  Once Olive Garden quit serving alcohol to him, he switched over to margaritas at Applebee’s.  With the help of these chain restaurants and their lenient alcohol-serving practices, he grew to be the biggest lush of his preschool class—challenging his classmates to drinking games in the sandbox.

Bail has been posted at $11,000… which should be chump change to a celebrity of his caliber.  Unfortunately, all that money spent at the liquor store has left the actor in financial ruin.  Better sell that Oscar on E-Bay, Nick.  That, or melt it down into gold bars.

Although based on actual news stories (click the links), this story is FAKE.

Wizard Week JoaquiNews: Shutdown of the Ministry of Magic Averted

The Minister of Magic reacts to possible Ministry shutdown.

LONDON—The Ministry of Magic threatened to go into shutdown if political wizards couldn’t agree on a new spending budget.  Yet the debate seemed to go much deeper than galleon spending.  Social issues seemed to be prominent.  Death Eaters were against funding for Planned Wizardhood, an organization that provides witches and muggle women with vital reproductive health care, sex education, and information.   One aspect of their services includes abortions, and although the Death Eater Party supports the killing of muggle/mudblood spawn, it was enraged that these services were also offered to pureblood witches.

The Order of the Phoenix was upset about the fact that social issues were sidetracking the focus on the budget, especially since none of the funding Planned Wizardhood receives actually goes towards abortions.  Yet neither the Death Eaters nor the Order of the Phoenix would back down from what they wanted, and the Ministry of Magic was said to shut down Friday night if a budget deal couldn’t be made.

It’s true that times are tough for the wizarding community.  With the ongoing war against Lord Voldemort, the economy crisis, and the rising polarization of the two major political parties (sometimes referred to as “good vs. evil”), the political climate amongst witches and wizards in the U.K. is the worst it’s ever been.  However, Minister of Magic Rufus Scrimgeour announced early Saturday morning that a deal was indeed made, and the ministry shutdown was averted.

“This is an agreement to invest in our country's future while making the largest annual spending cut in our history," Scrimgeour said over the radio. "Like any compromise, this required everyone to give ground on issues that were important to them…  It's my sincere hope that we can continue to come together as we face the many difficult challenges that lie ahead.”

However, any hopes that the Order of the Phoenix and the Death Eater Party will come together anytime soon is optimistic at best.

Although loosely based on actual news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.

JoaquiNews: It's a Bird! It's a Plane! But It's Not So Super...

Damage done by a flock of flying cranes.

LITTLE ROCK— According to a report by The Federal Aviation Administration, an airplane flew smack into a flock of cranes on Friday.  The commuter plane was filled to capacity with members of The Bird Lover’s Club based in South Florida.  They were on their way to a bird enthusiast’s conference in Arkansas, where one of the activities planned was crane-watching.

The cranes hit with such a force that the nose of the plane suffered incredible damage.  Blood and feathers smeared across the windshield of the plane, and one bird actually crashed through a window where it thrashed about in the cabin, uttering sounds of distress as it sprayed blood.  Ultimately, the depressurization in the plane caused the crane to explode, and the passengers became immediately ill at the sight of it.  Two passengers fainted on the spot.

The exploding crane also resulted in a 4-foot hole in the fuselage, putting everyone—both human and fowl—in danger.  Luckily the pilot was able to make an emergency landing, and no one died, although 6 passengers were hospitalized.  Now Southwest Airlines is grounding 79 planes for inspection to ensure they are bird-friendly.

Of the exploding crane incident, Greg Hansen said, “I heard a loud popping sound about three or four minutes before it blew open on us!  It happened right behind me, in the row behind me and it covered about 2 1/2 rows with blood and guts."

"I was texting my sister to make certain that she told my pet birds that I loved them," Brenda Reese said, “It was very, very scary.”

Although loosely based on actual news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.

JoaquiNews: Argentine Wins Lottery; Might Lose Everything

Monica Alcota (left) and Cristina Ojeda (right) rallying to repeal DOMA.

NEW YORK—This Friday, one lucky American won the Mega Millions Lottery!  Monica Alcota won $202.9 million dollars by choosing the numbers 22, 24, 31, 52 and 54 with the Mega Ball number being 4. Lottery officials say that this was the 6^th largest win nationwide and the largest win in New York State.  The only problem:  Alcota isn’t a legal citizen.

                                                                                      

Monica Alcota snuck into the country over 10 years ago from Argentina.  With a pair of felt dog ears and some very convincing makeup, she rode in a dog kennel with the other luggage on an airplane.  Nobody suspected that the adorable puppy from South America was actually an illegal immigrant.  And the dog’s owner?  She was none other than Monica’s lesbian lover Cristina Ojeda—a U.S. citizen.

The two have lived together in New York City ever since, and were even married in Connecticut last year.  However, Alcota may now be deported.  The only thing keeping her here is the confusion over the Defense of Marriage Act (DOMA).  If DOMA is done away with, the marriage of Alcota and Ojeda will be considered valid, thereby making her eligible for U.S. citizenship.  However, if DOMA is here to stay, Manhattan’s immigration court won’t recognize Alcota’s marriage to a woman.  She’ll either have to get hitched to a hombre or go home to Argentina!

Monica Alcota’s not the only one coming to the U.S. from south of the border.  On Thursday the U.S. Census Bureau reported that the Hispanic population has risen by 43% in the last ten years.  There are now 50.5 million Latinos living in the United States, officially making them the second largest ethnic group.  Soon Spanish will be our national language and McDonald’s will serve sopes, and tamales, and chile relleno.  If you want to be prepared for our Spanish future, this news team suggests TiVo-ing Nickelodeon’s Dora the Explorer immediately.

Although loosely based on real news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.

JoaquiNews: Utah Adopts New State Symbol; Honey Bee in Danger

Utah's newest state symbol.

SALT LAKE CITY—Governor Gary Herbert recently signed a new Utah state symbol into law:  the John Moses Browning-designed M1911 pistol.  Only mere months after the mass shooting in neighboring Arizona, Utah officially has a state firearm.  And it’s a semi-automatic, baby.

                                                                                          

The adoption of a weapon as a state symbol came with lots of controversy, but Herbert claimed that it had less to do with the gun and more to do with the man who created it.  Browning was a Logan, Utah native— the son of Mormon pioneers—who gave back much to the state.  Honoring such a man seemed a very noble idea, until the true reason of the bill came into light.

Rocky Mountain Elk (Utah’s state animal) and California Seagull (Utah’s state bird) had blackmailed Herbert into passing the bill, with motives truly sinister.  For decades Elk and Seagull had felt like minorities when compared to the much more popular Honey Bee (Utah’s state insect).  Salt Lake City’s baseball team?  The Bees.  Deseret Industries and Deseret Book?  All referencing bees.  And what do you see on the Utah flag?  A beehive!  With the mounting social injustices, Elk and Seagull plotted a political assassination of the tyrannical Honey Bee.

Inhabiting an alternate universe of state symbols, Elk and Seagull had no way of murdering their foe.  Earlier attempts all proved futile.  Attempting to trap and roast Honey Bee in a Dutch oven (Utah’s state cooking pot) only infuriated the insect more.  Enlisting the help of Bonneville “Cutthroat” Trout (Utah’s state fish) resulted in the near-death of the fish by bee-sting.  Turned out his nickname was a bit misleading, as he was a bit of a pansy.

So with the new bill now signed into law, Seagull and Elk now have possession of a gun.  Herbert has cooperated with assassins.  May the blood of Honey Bee be on the governor’s hands.