Wizard Week Chihuahua Comics: Hoochie Mama

I apologize for the slightly homoerotic sexual innuendo in this comic.  But in my defense, Madam Hooch said it.  Not me.

Well, she only said it because I wrote it in her speech bubble.

This really is all my fault.

Chihuahua Comics: Pregnant Tree

Happy Earth Day, everyone!  Go out and appreciate the earth!  And always be accountable for your actions... unlike that woodpecker.  I heard he flew the coop.

Sketchbook: Human Nude '09

Here are just a few sketches that I've unearthed recently while going through the boxes we had stored here at the Kesler home.  These are from the summer of 2009, and I apologize to anyone who may be offended by nudity.  I assure you it's not pornographic!  The sketches of the male and female respectively were drawn from models, and my instructor at the time specifically asked us to roughly sketch using straight lines.  The last drawing is a lot more detailed, and is of our statue friend Veronica (who by the way, is very happy we are home).

Ask Joaquin: Are You Hung Like a Horse?

From Blake:  Are you hung like a horse?

That’s an interesting question.  For starters, I’ve never known a horse to be hung.  I’ve heard of a towel being hung on a towel rack, or drapes being hung on a curtain rod, or even clothes being hung on a hanger… but I don’t think horses can be hung.  For starters, they are fairly large animals, and a hook to hang such an animal would have to be extremely durable to support the weight.  Plus with all of the bucking and kicking horses tend to do, I wouldn’t want to be the one to attempt it.  Most people just store them in stalls, standing upright on all four legs.

Ignoring the confusing horse reference, I wonder if you are asking if I’ve hanged myself.  If that is the case, I’m flattered that you are so concerned with my mental well-being.  However, your worry is unwarranted.  Let me assure you that I am not, in fact, suicidal.  Nor do I feel like somebody else would want to hang me.  I mean, it's not like I have committed a crime in an old western town, so I doubt any sheriff will be hanging me by a noose any time soon.

So based on that reasoning, the answer is no.  No, I am not hung like a horse.

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

The Gleek Critique: "Sexy" Episode

Mr. Schuester and Holly Holiday dance together... and then some.  Image property of Fox.

The episode opens with Emma holding a meeting of the Celibacy Club (consisting of Rachel, a virgin, and Quinn, who's not) and is encouraging the girls to abstain from sex until their honeymoon... or later.  However, Holly Holiday is back at McKinley High teaching Sex Ed and she thinks the more informed the better.  I mean, the kids are so clueless about sex that they think they can get AIDS from a cucumber.  Brittany thinks she's pregnant because she found a bird's nest.  And let's not forget Finn believing he had fathered Quinn's baby because they kissed in a hot tub.

And the sexual problems continue.  Lauren wants to make a sex tape with Puck in order to become famous, which would of course be child pornography since they are under eighteen years of age.  Then Brittany is confused about her relationship with Santana.  When she tries to talk to Santana about it, she blows it off like it's no big deal.  She doesn't like labels.  Luckily, Holly is around to help all of these students.  But she doesn't just help teens.  Dr. Carl asks her to speak with him and Emma, and lo and behold, it's revealed that Emma still has feelings for Will.  That's problematic for both Dr. Carl (Emma's husband) and for Holly who's falling for Will as well.

Meanwhile, Sue, hoping to get some secrets in return, tells Kurt and Blaine that New Directions is focusing on their sex appeal.  This makes Blaine wonder whether The Warblers are sexy enough, so they invite a girls school to watch them sing and give them feedback.  Turns out the guys are pretty sexy as a whole, but Kurt's "sexy face" looks like he's constipated.   He confesses to Blaine that he doesn't feel very sexy.  In fact, sex kind of scares him in general.  So what does Blaine do?  He goes to Kurt's dad and tells him to have "the talk" with his son.

The Pros:

• Holly Holiday had some pretty fun quotes about sex.  Like saying it's "just like hugging, only wetter" or that teaching abstinence is "like saying vegetarianism is an option for lions."
• "Animal" by Neon Trees sung by Blaine, Kurt and The Warblers was pretty awesome... mostly because Kurt sang and he hasn't sung in far too long!  Although, he did sound a bit synthesized.  But it's Glee, so that's normal.
• Prince's "Kiss" featured some unexpected tango-dancing which was pretty spectacular.  Hot damn Mr. Schue and Holly looked pretty sexy dancing together.  And that kiss?  Smoking!
• Some great scenes!  Brittany and Santana had some really emotional and touching scenes, which gave their characters some refreshing depth.  I also really enjoyed both of the scenes with Burt (Kurt's dad); the one where Blaine talks to him in the shop and when he later has a heart-to-heart with Kurt about sex.
• The Santana-Brittany-Holly cover of  the Stevie Nicks song "Landslide" was just beautiful.  When Santana started crying I was crying right with her!  Which leads me to the next point...
• Santana's a lesbian!

The Cons:

• "Afternoon Delight" was stupid.  Is anyone dumb enough to not know that song is one big sexual innuendo?
• I'm still against Finn and Quinn.  People with rhyming names shouldn't be together!  I'm pretty sure that's a law.
• Sue was only in one scene.

Veronica's Valentine

My mother, being the sweet soul that she is, sent me a valentine saying, "This too shall pass!  Hang in there, I know things will straighten out soon.  Remember you are loved dearly."

My dad, being a religious man, sent me a valentine saying, "Jesus' love is unfathomable, bigger than we can ever imagine, and I wonder how many of us love others with such a love.  On this day when we celebrate romantic love, I just wanted to share with you the love of one who loves us more than we can ever imagine.  I love you, Jack.  Be blessed!"

Brian's family, equally as wonderful as mine, sent us a valentine saying, "We all love you and miss you a lot.  Hope you have a great Valentine's Day!"

We love our families very much, but the greatest valentine we've ever received didn't come from any of them.  It came from our dearest and most missed friend back home.  The headless, armless, legless statue Veronica!  Look at that sexy vixen!

JoaquiNews: Marijuana Leads to Sexual Revolution in Colorado

Hippies playing music in Colorado.

Ten years ago, Colorado passed a law to legalize medical marijuana.  But only doctors in the bigger, hipper cities of Boulder and Denver felt comfortable becoming legitimate drug dealers.  So Vincent Palazzotto—presumably while high as a kite—had a brilliant idea:  shiny aluminum trailers.

He founded the Medical Marijuana Assistance Program of America and now Colorado is filled with traveling doctors who will prescribe and dispense blaze to all of the citizens—right out of their trailers.  “We want to be sure no patient is left behind,” says Palazzotto.

It’s all been a huge success in Colorado.  With Valentine’s Day just around the corner, a lot of people are looking to loosen up a little bit before the big day of love.  From February 1^st to February 14^th these traveling pot dealers are handing out free Viagra samples with any purchase of $100 or more.

“It’s basically Woodstock all over again out here,” says Billy Ray Applebottom of Salida, Colorado.  “It’s all about sex.  Free love.  It’s a sexual revolution!”

Even some big celebrities have found their way over to Colorado to partake in this so-called sexual revolution.  Rumors have been circling that Sean Penn and Scarlett Johansson have been seen together lighting up and getting freaky in public places, such as the ball pit of a local McDonald’s play place.  Johansson’s rep denies it of course saying, “Scarlett and Sean are not dating.”  Of course during a sexual revolution one’s relationship status is irrelevant.  Dating or not dating, with a little stinkweed mixed in with Viagra, it’s a free-for-all.

In recent hours, this revolution has spread into neighboring Wyoming, New Mexico, Nebraska, Kansas, Oklahoma, and even Utah.  From Washington, U.S. President Barack Obama made a public statement about the sexual revolution, commenting on the people’s need to “find the answers” and the “spirit of unity that has defined these last few weeks.”  Clearly, there is a lot of uniting going on.  Lots.

Although loosely based on real news stories (check the links), this article is FAKE.

Chihuahua Comics: You Get Cat Piss, I Get California

Now cats will pee all over you, Veronica.  Just like they've peed on this comic I drew.  Stupid, dumb cats.  

(In case you're confused, Veronica is at Brian's family's house in Orem, along with half of our possessions.  We just didn't have enough room in our car for everything.)  Sorry, Veronica.  Don't be a jealous diva, even if cats are peeing on you.

Movie Reviews: Burlesque and Other Drugs

Burlesque movie poster, property of Screen Gems.
Love & Other Drugs movie poster, property of 20th Century Fox.

Within the past week Brian and I were able to make it to the movies twice.  We finally got to see two of the Thanksgiving Weekend movies we had been wanting to see:  Burlesque and Love & Other Drugs. 

Burlesque AWFUL

Let's start with Burlesque.  It's the tale of a small town girl named Ali (Christina Aguilera) who quits her job at the local diner and takes the bus to Los Angeles where she hopes all her dreams will come true.  Oddly enough this is the same thing Brian and I are doing, only I doubt we'll end up singing in a burlesque nightclub like she does.  After a slew of failed auditions, she stumbles into the club and falls instantly in love with it.  She becomes a waitress, then a dancer, and then finally the star of the show once everyone realizes that she has a big voice!

And Christina really does have some pipes on her!  The musical numbers are beyond amazing, featuring both Christina and the legendary Cher who plays the club's owner Tess.  Sexy choreography, jazzy tunes, and fabulous costumes all completely razzle-dazzled me.  Who wouldn't want front row tickets to a Cher and Christina concert?  However, the rest of the movie was a bit underwhelming.

Not a lot happens in the movie plot-wise.  In fact, there was a part in the middle where Brian turned to me and said, "I'm bored."  There's an uninteresting love triangle between Ali, the bartender Jack (Cam Gigandet), and the rich guy Marcus (Eric Dane) who wants to buy the club.  The threat of losing the club is the only real conflict in the movie, and it never really feels like that big a deal.  Mostly Cher worries about it and her friend and stage manager Sean (Stanley Tucci) comforts her.  There's also a "mean" diva named Nikki (Kristin Bell) who doesn't like Ali and cries and whines a lot. 

Love and Other Drugs ADMIRABLE

Then there's Love & Other Drugs which is about a guy named Jamie (Jake Gyllenhaal) whose only talent in life is seducing and bedding women.  When he becomes a drug rep for Pfizer, he uses those skills to make friends with the receptionists, who in turn, help him to get to the doctors who will buy the pills he's peddling.  At the office of his friend Dr. Knight (Hank Azaria) he meets Maggie (Anne Hathaway) who he's instantly attracted to.  They begin a crazy no-strings-attached love affair with lots and lots of sex.

But Maggie has Parkinson's Disease, and although now she's only in the first stage, she knows that it will just get worse.  For this, she doesn't want to have a real relationship, thinking that it's unfair to burden another with her illness.  Jamie's never had a real relationship in his life.  He's not even close to his family.  In fact, just having his brother Josh (Josh Gad) crashing on his couch is enough to make him angry.  So it seems like they are the perfect match -- each unable to love.  They are wrong, however, and falling in love is inevitable. 

I liked this movie more than Burlesque, mostly because there was a lot more depth to its plot.  Maggie's a complicated character, pushing people away and battling with a very serious illness.  Jamie's trying to decide what his own priorities in life are, while selling the new and instantly profitable drug Viagra (the movie is set in 1997).  The themes are all layered employing both comedy and drama, and I found myself laughing and crying in equal measures.

I will say, if you are opposed to nudity, you might want to skip Love & Other Drugs, because there is plenty of it!  I'd say a dozen or so nudie shots compared to Burlesque's one.

Love movies?  Check out my Movie Page?

Wizard Week: Emma Watson on "Vogue UK"

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 1 is only a week away, and to celebrate it, Joaquin the Chihuahua is giving you Wizard Week!  What is Wizard Week you ask?  Just a week of Harry Potter-related posts!  Aren't you excited?  You should be, or I'll hit you with a Jelly-Legs Jinx!

"Ladies, first," as they say, so I've decided to start off Wizard Week with the gorgeous Emma Watson, the actress who plays Hermione Granger.  She's being featured in the December issue of Vogue UK and she looks simply fantastic.  Some people are haters of her new haircut (like you look any better, Joan Rivers) but I think she looks great!  What do you think?

About her haircut she said to Entertainment Weekly, "Oh my God, it was the most liberating thing!  I love it.  I missed all that experimentation that most teenagers go through."  And it looks like she's been wanting to do some other experimentation besides cutting her hair... "I wish I'd done more naughty things," she told The Sun.

Oh my, oh my!

1989: Savage

Age three, wearing nothing but pasta noodles!

The Gleek Critique: "The Rocky Horror Glee Show" Episode

Finn dressed for the role of Brad.  We think he looks hot in glasses.  He should keep them.  Image property of Fox.

Sadly, there wasn't a new episode of Glee last week.  So instead, my friends and I all got together to watch the DVD of The Rocky Horror Picture Show to get ourselves prepared for tonight's episode.  Some of us have seen it already and just needed a refresher.  Some had been living under a rock, and needed an introduction.  The movie is such a bizarre cult classic that I find to be absolutely fantastic!

Now, I was worried when I heard Glee would be doing a homage to the film, mostly because the media has been making a stink lately over the immorality of the show.  After the girl on girl make-out session in the "Duets" episode, people were outraged saying that it was a "sex romp" on a family show.  Then of course, there's been all the talk about the Glee photo shoot in the new GQ Magazine.  Sherri Shepard had a cow over it on The View, claiming that ten-year-old boys who watch Glee are going to run out and buy the magazine so they can drool over Lea Michelle in her booty shorts.

Oh brother, people.   If you think Glee is a "family show" suitable for ten-year-olds...  you have a problem.

However, as risque and envelope-pushing as The Rocky Horror Picture Show might be, the Glee episode based on it was handled with great taste.  At least in my opinion.  Basically, it taught a lesson about freedom of speech and the value of art.

A basic summary of the episode:  Mr. Schuester is extremely jealous that Emma is dating Dr. Carl.  And it doesn't help anything, that she seems to be extremely happy with him.  In fact, she's getting over some of her OCD issues... I mean, she was able to go to a seedy theater to watch a midnight showing of The Rocky Horror Picture Show with crazy, noisy people dressed in costume.  So how can Will one-up that?  By having the New Directions kids perform the musical of course!  And to get even closer to Emma, he asks her to help him with the costumes.

Casting proves to be a problem.  Kurt refuses to play the transvestite Dr. Frankenfurter (Tim Curry in the movie version), Mike then decides to take it on but is forced to quit the show when his mother objects, until finally Mercedes agrees to do it.  Dr. Carl wants to get involved and play Eddie, mostly to keep an eye on Will and Emma.  Sam is going to play Rocky, but in the end, the role is decided to be too sexy for a student and Will decides to take it on.

In the end, it's discovered that Sue has been secretly writing an expose using the show as an example of the secularization of America's schools (all to win a local Emmy) and Will realizes that his intentions were not good in the first place.  He shouldn't put the kids through so much just for his own personal gain.

The Pros:

• The show opened up exactly like the movie does, with Santana's red lips on the black background singing "Science Fiction Double Feature."  Same lettering and everything.  Great opening!
• Sam makes one sexy Rocky!  Woohoo!
• Speaking of sexiness, the scene where Emma sings "Touch A Touch A Touch Me" to Will, ultimately seducing him and ripping off his shirt, was amazing!  So hot!
• Becky saying "Give me some chocolate or I will cut you" to Will.  Ha ha ha.  I love that girl.
• "Time Warp" was a great way to end the episode!  So much fun!

The Cons:

• Still no Puck!  Luckily though, the preview for the next episode shows that he is coming back!
• I love Mercedes.  You know I do.  But a girl playing Frankenfurter is just lame lame lame.
• In the end, they didn't perform the show for anyone but themselves.  LAME!  I would be so pissed if I was one of those students and had spent all that time rehearsing...

Chihuahua Comics: Yes, Chris, You Do Get Around

Chihuahua Comics: Anonymous and Inappropriate

This for real happened.  Who is this person?  Seriously... what is wrong with them?

Chihuahua Comics: Veronica Wants Head

Chihuahua Comics: Labor Day Pains... Gimme the Epidural!

Chihuahua Comics: BBW Had the Best Aprons...

Chihuahua Comics: Amazing What Can be Bought and Sold on E-bay...

Chihuahua Comics: The Newest Member of the Blue Man Group

This was a fusion of ideas from Kelsey Heck and Mesun Choi.  Thanks, ladies!

Chihuahua Comics: Check It Out In All Its Glory!