Have you ever tried to use the shampoo bottles you get from Costco? When I saw my mother pull the new shampoo and conditioner out of her storage cupboard my jaw fell to the floor like an old Hugh Harman cartoon. They were the size of a small child! Each had to weigh a good ten pounds. More maybe. Like fifteen hundred or twenty thousand.
My mom is a tiny woman, but freakishly strong. You would be surprised to know that she frequently lifts up 150-pound elderly people and places them onto their beds, or their toilets, or wherever else the elderly need to be placed. Into their coffins? Hmm… So it goes without saying that my mother handled these shampoo and conditioner bottles with ease.
And when I took them from her, I was not expecting them to be as heavy as they were. I didn’t have my guns prepared. My knees weren’t bent in anticipation of the heavy lifting. In other words, my arms fell downwards as soon as I had the bottles in my grip, pulling me down as well, colliding with the floor in an explosion of pearly, lightly fragranced foam.
After a few slips, and leaving many shampoo footprints, handprints, and buttprints on her hardwood floors, I managed to make it to the stairs leading up to the guest bathroom where my shower was to commence. The whole while I had been cursing my flabby, weak body for not being as toned and strong as any self-respecting gay man’s should be. That’s when I had my glorious idea! I had come up with the greatest at-home workout routine. All you need is a Costco membership.
With some handy Costco duct tape (be careful, they come in tire-sized rolls), I taped the shampoo bottle to my left leg and the conditioner bottle to my right leg and slowly lunged up the stairs. I could really feel the burn in my calves and thighs. Then I lifted a bottle over my head and did a few jogging laps around the east wing of my mother’s house. It was a great workout. We used to do that in P.E. as a kid, only running with a basketball instead of a shampoo bottle. And just like when I was a kid, all the running made me throw-up. I felt good though. I felt like a man.
By this point I was very sweaty and stinky and I remembered that I was supposed to be showering anyway. So after a few minutes of tinkering with the shower, then finally calling for my mom to come show me how to work it (the thing had more bells and whistles than a Swiss Army knife) I took my shower. That’s when I realized just how impractical that shampoo bottle really was.
Hoisting it up, and then trying to turn it over, proved to be almost impossible to do. Prying the cap open was a job for the can opener, I discovered, and then came the challenge of holding the bottle with one hand while squeezing the shampoo into the other. You just can’t hold that bottle with one hand. Unless you have mammoth-sized hands that can palm a basketball, there’s just no way you can single-handedly hold the bottle. I ended up laying it on its side and catching the gushing shampoo with my little, cupped hands, wasting more than half of it down the drain.
Now I know why the bottle says “rinse and repeat.” Like any good workout, you need to do it in reps. I washed my hair ten times. Rested a moment. Washed it ten more times. My biceps, triceps, forearms, shoulders, everything all benefited greatly from my Costco Shampoo Workout.
Call 1-800-SHAMPOO to order your DVD today! Just $19.99!
