Sunday, April 17, 2011

JoaquiNews: Nicolas Cage Arrested for Public Drunkenness

Nicolas Cage's mug shot.
NEW ORLEANS—Academy Award winning actor Nicolas Cage was arrested for public drunkenness, disturbing the peace and domestic abuse on Friday.  Cage was in New Orleans to shoot a movie, and according to police officers on the scene, he got himself so completely drunk that he made Charlie Sheen look like a respectable member of society.  He got into a loud argument with his wife on the street and then forcibly grabbed her by the arm and dragged her into a house that wasn’t even theirs. 

The homeowners were too star struck to say anything as Cage beat his wife with an Oscar trophy and then blacked out in the corner after downing a bottle of Listerine.  All of this behavior might have been overlooked if it had been during Mardi Gras, but alas it was just a regular old Friday.  Cage was thrown into jail.

Research shows that Nicolas Cage has been a drunk since he was two years old.  It was at an Olive Garden in Florida where the then toddler sipped on his first sangria.  A waitress had accidentally given it to him (instead of his apple juice) and he was instantly hooked.  Once Olive Garden quit serving alcohol to him, he switched over to margaritas at Applebee’s.  With the help of these chain restaurants and their lenient alcohol-serving practices, he grew to be the biggest lush of his preschool class—challenging his classmates to drinking games in the sandbox.

Bail has been posted at $11,000… which should be chump change to a celebrity of his caliber.  Unfortunately, all that money spent at the liquor store has left the actor in financial ruin.  Better sell that Oscar on E-Bay, Nick.  That, or melt it down into gold bars.

Although based on actual news stories (click the links), this story is FAKE.

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