Sunday, May 1, 2011

JoaquiNews: Royal Divorce

Catherine and William: their royal wedding ends in a royal divorce!
LONDON—The one thing every little girl dreams of came true:  Catherine Middleton married a pretty white pony and rode away with him over the rainbow.  Actually that didn’t happen, but she did marry a handsome prince and became a princess, which is another thing little girls dream of.  To be fair, not all little girls dream of princesses and ponies.  Some of them even dream about dressing like skanky whores, which is what Catherine did at a 2002 student fashion show.  The moral of this fairy tale is “if you got it, flaunt it” and you will marry a prince!

She and Prince William were wed Friday, April 29th in Westminster Abbey.  The ceremony was broadcast all over the world via television, web, and royal messengers with trumpets.  After the wedding, the two shared their first kiss on the balcony of Buckingham Palace in view of an immense crowd of cheering voyeurs, all wishing their lives could be half as exciting as William’s and Catherine’s.  However, it seems that Catherine and William’s fairy tale wedding will not end in “happily ever after.”  A mere two days after the royal nuptials, the prince and princess have announced their divorce.

Adorned in a large hat so big that it had to be held up with tent poles around her, Catherine Middleton spoke to the press early this morning.  "When you're unhappy in your marriage, your children are the ones who suffer," she says.  "That's the last thing I wanted for my son."  Poor William didn’t even know Catherine had a son!  Such secrets may have doomed the relationship from the start.  Sources say Middleton kept a lot of things hidden, including her son, her arrest for public intoxication, and her starring role in Burlesque.

"Things were so unhealthy and unhappy for both Prince William and me, I knew I had to end it,” Middleton continued, struggling to stand under the weight of her enormous flowered hat.  “At least I get to keep the ring and the tiara, even if I don’t get to keep the title.”

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