JoaquiNews: Huckabee Feeds Portman Bathtub Cheese

Huckabee scheming; Natalie Portman winning an award Huckabee never will.

Actress Natalie Portman enjoyed an Oscar win last week, and in her acceptance speech she thanked her fiancé for giving her the greatest gift of all—indicating the bun in the oven.  And while the audience at the Academy Awards all applauded, one man in particular jeered.  Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee recently went on the radio to burst the actress’ bubble, rain on her parade, and knock her off her pedestal.  He said, “One of the most troubling things is that people see a Natalie Portman or some other Hollywood starlet that boasts of, hey look, we're having children, we're not married...”

And if the radio-bullying wasn’t enough, Huckabee was caught buying contraband cheese in an attempt to kill Portman’s illegitimate bastard baby.  The former governor was spotted in Bakersfield, California purchasing bathtub cheese from a local farmer’s market.  For those who may not know, bathtub cheese is a homemade cheese often made in one’s bathtub (or a coffin or PVC pipe) by Mexican immigrants.  The selling of bathtub cheese is, of course, illegal and punishable by death because it is unsanitary and teeming with bacteria and other health risks.  One of these health risks includes the causing of miscarriages among pregnant women.

After policemen arrived on the scene, Huckabee was taken into custody.  It was revealed through rigorous questioning and waterboarding that his motive was to sneak the cheese into Natalie Portman’s kitchen to kill her unborn child.  He stated, “Being an impregnated Jezebel, I knew that she wouldn’t be able to resist the bathtub cheese.  Women love to take baths… they love bathtubs.  And pregnant women have hunger cravings all the time.  So I knew she would eat the cheese, get terribly sick, and miscarry.”

Natalie Portman has yet to comment, although it is rumored she has been taking a weeklong bubble bath with her Oscar trophy.

Although loosely based on actual news stories (click the links), this article is FAKE.

My Favorite Comics of the Past Year

Over the past year of Joaquin the Chihuahua, I have drawn and posted 88 comics thus far.  Well, I guess I should be more specific.  For the first few months no comics were posted on this blog, but instead were featured on another blog called Veronica and Friends.  However, I soon gave up on the whole Veronica and Friends concept and got tired of maintaining the two separate blogs.  My solution was to merge the two so now all the comics are now featured right here!

Well, enough of that.  Of the 88 comics I've drawn, here are ten of my favorite:

10.  Yoga
Oh, I just don't understand yoga.  Mesun went all the time though, and I couldn't help picturing her all tied up like a pretzel in yoga class.  It was a silly idea, and I really liked how it turned out.
9.  Transfiguration Gone Wrong
This comic isn't terribly funny I guess, I just like how cute the drawing was!  Isn't it soooo cute?  He's a teddy bear!  What can be cuter than a teddy bear named Beary Potter?
8.  I Let Him Get His Hopes Up
This one makes me laugh every time!  I still have that wallet by the way.  And it looks even worse for wear these days... 
7.  You'd Think This Wasn't My Kitchen
I'm so impressed with myself!  I think this is probably the best drawn comic I've ever done!  The three Jacks look amazing.  And it perfectly chronicles how I could never find anything in that kitchen.  Depending on who put the dishes away, things could be anywhere.
6.  Jack Frost
This one also made the list simply because I'm proud of the drawing more than the joke.  It's one of the few comics to feature me with short hair.  And no, that's not a hat on my head.  People always think it's a hat.  It's supposed to be a pile of snow.  Maybe the drawing's not that good after all...
5.  "Hi, Welcome to... Home Depot?"
Although my friend Shannon called me out for being a tad stereotypical, I still think this one is funny.  Can't gay people make fun of other gay people?  Everyone knows I love the lesbians! 
4.  La Cucaracha
So I've just started doing comics with multiple panels, and I like how this one told a story without words (except for the end).  Sometimes my comics are more wordy than they are visual.
3.  10 Reasons to Obsess Over "Veronica and Friends" #8:  Show-Stopping Musical Numbers
This one is one of my very favorite comics ever simply because I drew Brian dressed as Barbra Streisand in the movie Funny Girl.  I love that I get to make him look as ridiculous as I want in these comics...
2.  Caterpillars
This is probably my most brilliant idea for a comic to date.  I love the concept, I love the coloring, and I love how cute the caterpillars turned out.
1.  10 Reasons to Obsess Over "Veronica and Friends" #7:  Health Tips
And here we have it!  My very favorite comic ever!  I love how fat and disgusting I made Brian and I look with bits of food all over the place... oh, it's just too much!  And sadly, this comic is based on a very true incident.  We did indeed cave in to McDonald's 50-piece chicken nugget deal when they had it, and in one setting, we totally scarfed down 25 nuggets apiece.  Plus Coke.  Plus fries.

Hope you enjoyed the list!  Coming soon is a look back at my ten worst comics!

Chihuahua Comics: Hair

Brian and I got much-needed haircuts yesterday.  We don't look that different though, really.  Just like an inch off Brian's hair and almost two inches off mine.  The latina lady who cut our hair was quite the character though.  Her name was Carol.  She gave us hugs.

Jack of the Month: Jack McFarland

This month’s “Jack” was actually a suggestion from my ex-roommates Mesun and Ryan, and very fitting since we spent a lot of time together watching old episodes of the sitcom Will & Grace when we lived together.  So, drum roll please, I now present to you Jack McFarland!

Jack McFarland was a gay character played by actor Sean Hayes on the NBC sitcom Will & Grace.  The show ran for eight seasons from September 1998 to May 2006 and is one of the most successful sitcoms featuring gay main characters.  So funny!  And the winner of 16 Emmy Awards!

Jack and his Cher doll.

The character of Jack McFarland is a very flamboyant and often self-centered one.  He is the best friend of Will Truman (also gay) and is constantly dropping by, insulting him, and asking for money.  In fact, for quite some time he lives across the hall in Will’s friend Grace Adler’s old apartment, paid for by Will (and his mother and their friend Karen).  Unlike Will and Grace who have steady careers, Jack hops from job to job while pursuing a dream of being an actor.  He does a one-man show called “Just Jack”—which is terrible—and at one point even manages to teach an acting class after the regular teacher quits.  At various times throughout the series he’s been a waiter, a student nurse, a salesman at both Banana Republic and Barney’s New York, a producer at OutTV, and even a back-up dancer to Jennifer Lopez and Janet Jackson.

As flaky as he is with jobs, he’s even worse with men.  His relationships never last very long, although he claims to be “in love” almost always.  He’s far too shallow to truly invest, and usually runs after the next hottie he sees.  The closest thing to love in his life is probably his friendship with socialite Karen Walker.  They are both selfish, harsh, and wildly outlandish so they get along great!  She’s filthy rich, so that’s also a benefit since he’s always in need of money.  In fact, in the series finale we discover that Karen and Jack end up living together in Karen’s mansion for the rest of their lives.

Other important relationships would include his brief marriage to Karen’s maid Rosario (for a green card) and his biological son Elliot (the result of donated sperm), and a pet bird named Guapo.  He’s also obsessed with Cher—even has a doll of her—and has even met her once (although mistaking her for a drag queen).

So that’s Jack McFarland.  If you’ve never seen the show, I’m sure you could find it on television… it reruns on almost every station.  Or get in touch with Ryan who has every season on DVD.  I'm sure she'll let you borrow them.

Jack:   I took an oath in front of God and my mother. I'm here, I'm queer. Get used to it!

 Source for this post:  Wikipedia and IMDb

I'm Sorry for Hating You, In-N-Out Burger

Californians are obsessed with In-N-Out Burger and I never really understood it.  I have a friend named Jason (a native Californian) who was my roommate at Brigham Young University who almost had a heart attack when I told him that I didn't much care for the franchise.

"What?!?  Have you ever eaten there?"

"Well, yeah," I said, "and I was a little disappointed.  I went on  a road trip with a friend of mine a few years ago, and we went to one.  Everybody who had ever been before always raved about it.  I guess it was so hyped up that I just expected... more.  I just didn't think it was that good."

Scandalized he replied, "Fresh isn't good?  Everything is fresh!"

I didn't know what to say to that, so I just said, "I don't know...  and they only have like 3 things on the menu."

Then he smiled.  "Well, there's a secret menu for those who know."

I'm sorry, but the idea of a secret menu that I didn't know about just gave me another thing to dislike about In-N-Out Burger.  Exclusivity is not my cup of tea.  So from then on I just stayed quiet whenever people talked about it.  And then not long ago Utah started getting In-N-Out Burgers and I just rolled my eyes.  They were a huge hit and the drive-thrus would have lines a mile long.  I confessed my hate for In-N-Out to Brian, and luckily he didn't care much for it either.

However, I feel like an apology is due.  You see, Brian's mom recently mailed us a gift card to In-N-Out Burger, and even though I wouldn't normally eat there, it's hard to not take advantage of free food.  As the saying goes, "beggars can't be choosers."  So today Brian and I went, and I gotta say, it was better than I remembered.

We both ordered the Double-Double and it was actually a really good burger!  The beef patties were moist and delicious, the cheese was nice and melted, the tomatoes and lettuce were fresh and crisp, and the bun was just perfect.  I was shocked.  I remembered it being blah, and here I was enjoying the very restaurant that I supposedly hated.  I felt like such a fool.

So I want to say that I'm sorry.  It was mean of me to hate In-N-Out Burger so much.

However, I'm still not a fan of those fries.  They are flavorless!  I'd much rather have Brian's homemade fries any day.  But the burger has earned my respect.

Ask Joaquin: Wut Do U Think I Wuld Look Like Wit Straight Bangs?

From Renee:  Wut do u think i wuld look like wit straight bangs?

Today's "Ask Joaquin" question comes from my dear, sweet sister via text (can you tell?).  She wants to know what she'll look like with bangs, so I figured I'd help her get an idea.  Below is a picture of Renee as she currently is, next to an artist's rendering of what she might look like with straight-across bangs:

Hmm...  Pretty cute, huh?  I think you should go for it!  You only live once, Renee!  And while we're on the subject of new hairstyles, have you ever considered an afro?

 Hey, soul sista!  Or what about a mohawk?

 

A little too edgy?  Dad might kill me if I convince you to get a nose-piercing...  maybe you should just stick with the bangs.  Good, sweet, wholesome bangs.

Have a question?  Ask Joaquin!

Thanks For a Great Year!

March 19th will mark the one year anniversary of my blog, Joaquin the Chihuahua, and I couldn't be happier!  What an accomplishment!  Seriously, I give up on stuff all the time so the fact that I've been at this for a year now is really noteworthy!  Every sentence I'm writing ends in an exclamation point!  That's how awesome this is!!!!!

And I only have my readers to thank!  The first few months had very few hits, but month after month my readership has been steadily growing.  February may be the smallest month of the year, but it brought in the most pageviews of my blog's history.  So thanks for reading, guys and gals.  Your support really helps motivate me to keep at it day in and day out.  Please keep reading and keep those comments coming!

All throughout the month I'll be taking a look back at the year, talking about some of my favorite posts (but don't worry, there will be plenty of new stuff too).  I also want to hear from the readers out there.  What do you love most about Joaquin the Chihuahua?  What was your favorite post?  What made you start reading?  What would you like to see more of?  Write to me at jjgarcia3@live.com and I'll post your thoughts for all to see!

Although the whole month will be a celebration, Saturday the 19th will launch the "One Year Anniversary Contest" where you can win an exciting prize!  More details to come... so be prepared!

Thanks again for a great year!