Friday, March 26, 2010

Prayers of a Gay Man

I just spent hours and hours writing a new post, just to have it get lost forever!  I clicked Publish Post, which had me sign in again, which then said, "Sorry, but we were unable to process your request," or something like that.  It's not saved on here anywhere.  How tragic!

Okay, so "hours and hours" probably refers to like a half hour of time wasted, but still!  I had written a literary masterpiece here!  Oh well, it's probably for the best since it was becoming increasingly more mopey and sad.

You see, I'm troubled by how all of my LDS friends, old missionary companions, relatives, etc. now all hate me.  It's puzzling to me, that while I was a phony and a fake they all adored me, and now that I feel like I'm a much more honest and true individual they want nothing to do with me.  They don't speak to me (although I'm sure they all speak of me) and could really care less whether I lived or died.  It's a shame that religious people are often the least compassionate.  I feel that I've become much more Christlike outside of the Church than I ever was in the Church. 

I have two old friends that are currently serving LDS missions, and although I've written letters of encouragement to them, they probably don't even read them.  They've never written me back, and I feel hurt that my words mean nothing to them just because I'm gay.  Just because I've fallen from the pedestal they once placed me on, and I've revealed myself to be human.  I guess now they are on the path towards Godhood--yes, Mormons believe they will be gods some day--and simply being human is probably the worst crime in their eyes.  Being a gay human is even worse.  I don't pretend to know all the answers, but I do believe that we should love our neighbor as ourself.  I do believe a certain Jesus Christ had that to say.

Today I got an email from my missionary friend's mother.  He is sick and if things don't get better he'll be sent home.  She's requesting our prayers.  Even my prayers.  Me, a gay man who is unfit to speak to her or write to her son, yet still able to speak to God.  I ask this:  If God will always hear me, why can't they?


Mishqueen said...

I guess it's time for me end my silence and to pop on here and tell you that I certainly DON'T hate you, that I love you just as much as ever. You are not the first, nor certainly the last, of my friends who has or will come out. And I'm certainly not going to deprive myself of the blessings in MY life from loving others simply because of things I have no control over.

I suspect that I'm not the only one who cares plenty about you--we as humans in general would rather have thoughts than form words to speak them out loud. I hope that they will also be motivated now to tell you how they feel.

I suspect that some people are still deciding how they feel, especially if this is their first opportunity to decide what to do with a friendship in this situation. Your heart may hurt a little less if you try (easier said than done, I know) to assume the best until someone verbalizes otherwise. (for example, as a missionary I had a really hard time replying to letters on my mission, and it had nothing to do with my feelings about the person--and it just got worse until I got home). You KNOW you're lovable, why wouldn't the majority (of course not all) still feel that way? And I know God loves you no matter what!

Big hugs and a big MUAH!!

Joaquin the Chihuahua said...

I didn't even know anybody was reading my blog! Thanks Mishqueen! I love ya too!

Miss Kayla said...

You see, I'm troubled by how all of my LDS friends, old missionary companions, relatives, etc. now all hate me.

You must be refering to some *other* LDS friends because I LOVE YOUR STINKING GUTS!!!! I really do Jack, you've been a great and rich blessing in my life and I'm very thankful for that!

Rachel said...

JJ....I still remember the day you sent me that email telling me you were gay. I felt two things in that moment, one was privileged that out of our family (your dad's side), you chose to confide in me, you knew that no matter what I would love you. You are the first nephew that I ever had, I still remember watching you run around with your little miss piggy and seeing how you would play "dress up" when you were at your Grandma Holman's house, watching you draw and write stories at a very young age. Somehow inside, I always knew, not because of these things you did, these are just memories of how adorable you were as a child. It was just a feeling I can't explain, but it didn't matter to me what type of person you are, it just matters to me that you are happy in your life. Which leads me to the second thing I felt in that moment when you came out to me, happiness for you that you have found the strength to be yourself. People will judge anyone whether they are gay, straight, too fat, too skinny, but the only person we need to worry about being judged by is our father in heaven. I have never been strong in the mormon church and I honestly believe that when I go to heaven I will have nothing to be ashamed of, I will go with a clear heart, as so will you. To all those people who are judging you and losing your magnificent self in their life, it's their loss, pray for them that they will be forgiven for judging you my nephew. You are a strong person filled with talent and a wonderful and awesome personality. They are the ones who have lost. Loving you always, Tia Loca.


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