Monday, March 22, 2010

Brian's Smile

Your smile.
My mind's eye has like a sponge soaked it in
like a camera captured it
like a treasure chest guarded it close
for the times when you are not near.
I recall upon that cherished image
and giddy contentment envelops me
warms me
comforts me
and can you blame me?
Any child would shout with glee to see a shooting star
streaming across a majestic sky
that white brilliance that sparks the imagination
brings about inspiration
The goodness and loveliness and sexiness of you
made manifest in one simple token.
A heavenly display that gleams in the moment
flashing at me like that moving star
arousing within me the purest feelings of joy
Your smile.

This was a poem I wrote for my boyfriend Brian just weeks after I met him. I know, I get really cheesy really fast, but it was honestly one of those "love at first sight" moments you see in romcoms and chick flicks galore.

So if you haven't gathered that I'm gay by now, don't feel slow because it took me years to figure it out myself. And once I did figure it out (somewhere in middle school I cottoned on) it took me many more years before I was able to be open about it.

Most of my life was spent living the life others wanted me to live. Growing up LDS doesn't give you much choice. You can either live life as you would want and disappoint everyone, or you can force yourself into the cookie cutter and make your family proud. I've always been a people pleaser, so I plowed along. I advanced in the Priesthood, graduated seminary, served a 2-year mission in Concepcion, Chile (now destroyed by earthquakes) and even attended Brigham Young University for a semester. All to appear to be something I felt I needed to be...and also as a naive attempt to "get rid of the gay."

But while I was at BYU and dating a girl who I didn't have feelings for at all, I somehow stumbled upon a gay dating site. Without even realizing, my fingers were typing away and I had created a profile, I was searching local men, and I found Brian. He was the first one that I messaged, the first phone number I got, and then my first ever gay date. It was November 2 and we went to see Rocknrolla. Afterwards we talked for hours and hours at a nearby Village Inn and driving home that night I couldn't stop from giggling and smiling the whole way. Really, if you had seen me, you would have been embarrassed!

The rest is history really. I knew I had found my perfect mate, and I realized then and there that I couldn't throw that away. I had found true love, gosh darn it! So I talked to my bishop, called my family, and left BYU. Now Brian and I are happily engaged (rings and all) and we now live in the much more diverse Salt Lake City. We love our life together, even with the crappy jobs, money worries, and all the bad stuff that comes with being alive.

I wake up every day just to see his smile.

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