Cabbage Soup Diet: Day Two

After posting last night I got to be so very very hungry.  No amount of grapes could fill me up!  I was craving almost anything and everything.  What's on Food Network?  Oh, bad idea.  Aah!  Commercial for Toaster Strudels.  We have Toaster Strudels.  I could get one out of the freezer right now and toast one... NO!  No.  Eat some peaches, Jack.  Turn the TV off, go into the kitchen and... no, not the kitchen.  Get out of the kitchen!

Today is all about vegetables. This morning Brian had carefully put raw vegetables into bags for me.  One was marked "Breakfast" so I tried to gnaw on some carrots while getting ready for work.  I ate maybe half a carrot and some water before rushing out the door.  After work I had some spaghetti squash (I actually really really like spaghetti squash by the way) and some cabbage soup.

The best part though, would have to be the baked potato!  That's right, something resembling food I ate before the diet.  Day two of the diet allows for one baked potato at dinner with butter even!  Yes, butter.  So that baked potato with butter was like nirvana.  I was literally licking the plate.

This diet's been tough so far, but I'm going to stick it through.  Brian feels more full and satisfied than I do, and keeps telling me that I don't have to do the diet if I don't wanna.  But I need to lose the weight as much as he does, and if he's going to be all skinny so will I!

My friends and family haven't been very supportive though.  Here's what a few of them have been saying:

 Totally unsupportive right?  If they were a bra, I'd return them.

However, I have all the faith in the world that this diet will work.  In fact, this diet will work so well, I won't even have to wear a bra at all.  My man boobs will be history.

Cabbage Soup Diet: Day One

Brian and I aren't obese by any means, but we're definitely not as thin as we would like to be.  Everyday I seem to resemble the Pillsbury Doughboy more and more.  Seriously, if somebody else decides to poke my belly I don't know what I'll do.  Probably eat them...

So Brian had the idea of starting the Cabbage Soup Diet, which basically consists of eating cabbage soup for 7 days straight.  Sounds delicious, right?  But each day in the plan is different.  The first day, today, allows me to eat as much cabbage soup as I want along with as much fruit as I want.  Plus lots of water to drink!  So for breakfast I had cantaloupe and strawberries; lunch was cabbage soup, peaches, and watermelon; and for dinner I had more cabbage soup, grapes, an apple and an orange.  I've also had about 8 glasses of water, which is a lot for me!

For a man my height (5'8") I should ideally weigh between 139 to 169 pounds.  I am right at the top of that range (168) and that's scary!  But apart from weight, I want to lose inches in my belly.  That's really our main focus here: losing that gut.  My gut is 35 inches around, while my waist is only 30 inches.  My stomach literally hangs over my belt and that is not sexy.  Not sexy at all.

So wish me luck, kids!  I'll be keeping you posted every day... unless, of course, I die from hunger.

Jack Day Part Three?

Late last night my phone buzzed on the nightstand.  I opened it and read a message from my friend Kelsey.  "Jack r u up?"

I was in bed, but I wasn't asleep.  Luckily, or her text might have pissed me off.  I was sitting up reading Son of a Witch while Brian was in the kitchen toasting some pumpkin seeds.  Yes, we do odd things after midnight.

I replied in the affirmative and she said, "I'll be over in a min."

"Um, Brian, I guess Kelsey's coming over..." I called through the partially shut door.

Brian poked his head into the bedroom, "What?  Why?"

"I don't really know.  She just asked if I was up and said she was coming over."  Suddenly a thought crept into my mind. "I hope nothing's wrong!"

I immediately opened my phone and asked her, via text, if anything was the matter.  A million horrible scenarios ran through my head.  Her husband just left her and she's crying hysterically.  Her husband got in an accident and she's crying hysterically.  She got a paper cut and she's crying hysterically.

"Oh my Gosh!  What if it's a paper cut?  Do we have band-aids?" I cried aloud to a perplexed Brian.

"What?" he asked.

"KELSEY IS BLEEDING TO DEATH!"

Just then my phone started to vibrate again.  That poor, brave girl!  Texting me with the bloody remains of her fingers!

"No everything is fine," it read, "I just forgot something over there last night."

Brian, still looking confused, emerged from our bathroom with a box of band-aids.  I hadn't even noticed him leave the kitchen.

"Why do you have band-aids?  Kelsey's fine," I snapped.

With his tail between his legs, Brian put the band-aids back and returned to the kitchen muttering who-knows-what under his breath. 

I soon began a thorough search of the living room.  She and some other friends had been over watching a movie.  The movie had been hers.  Oh no!  Did she leave it in our DVD player?  A quick look soon revealed that was not the case.  Besides, why would she so desperately need Mona Lisa Smile at one in the morning?

A sudden knock at the door stopped my pacing, and I swung it open to reveal Kelsey and Robert--smiling from ear to ear--holding a small tray of cupcakes.  "Happy birthday to you!," they sang and I quickly ushered them in before they woke up our crack-addicted neighbors.  The last thing anyone needed was a shooting.  Their song ended and it was then I noticed the candle burning in one of the cupcakes.  I made a wish and blew it out.

"Thanks, guys," I said. "Look, Brian, they brought us cupcakes!"

"With pink frosting," Kelsey bragged. "And sprinkles."

"Yes, he can see that," jabbed her husband Robert.

I just smiled.  "So I guess you didn't lose anything did you?  You just wanted to surprise me."

Kelsey swooped in for the hug.  "Well, I felt bad for missing your birthday..."

"But you were at my birthday!" I exclaimed.  "It wasn't on my birthday, I guess, but it was my birthday dinner.  You gave me a gift even!"

Robert threw up his hands as if to say, "That's what I said but she doesn't listen to me!"

"Thanks, though.  You are so sweet!" I said, as I gave her another hug.  "Now I'm just gonna get fat.  You know I'm going to eat all of these in one sitting."

And just a few minutes after they left, I did, leaving crumbs between the sheets.

Chihuahua Comics: BBW Had the Best Aprons...

The Sad Tale of the Boy Jack

Once upon a time, there was a young lad named Jack.  He was born in humble surroundings in a small village.  His family was poor.  Jack once had to sell the family cow just for some beans!  Life was hard work for the boy.  He had to fetch water every day, jump over candles, and he never ate any fat.

But Jack had big dreams, and soon he felt that his destiny lay outside of that provincial town.  With the help of his forest animal friends, he packed up his knapsack and set out on his way. 

The yellow-brick road to the city was treacherous at times.  He narrowly escaped dangerous giants, sly wolves, and murderous thieves.  At times it seemed that everyone and everything was against him.  The tree branches seemed like arms ready to strike him down; the howl of the wind was like the breath of a ghost.  But through the gloom of the deep, dark forest cut a beam of light.  The light was a friend.  The light was support, and compassion, and love.  One light led to another and another until his path was illuminated and clear and he followed his feet to the glittering city full of possibilities.

Once within the walls of the great kingdom, he embraced the opportunities around him and soon found work with a local magician.  Together they brewed potions and elixirs, selling them to those who craved love and beauty.  Everything seemed to be going well for Jack, but unbeknownst to him, the evil witch Melificent was watching his every move.  She hated everyone, but for some reason she hated the boy most of all.  Perhaps she feared his magic would one day exceed her own.  She seethed with rage as she spied through her crystal ball, and soon she set about on a plot to destroy him.

She had an army of loyal robotic clones.  Every one of them talked like Melificent.  Walked like Melificent.  Worshipped Melificent.  She placed these clones strategically, and soon, everyone around Jack was secretly working under her command.  Together they bombarded him with hatred and loathing.  He felt like he was back in that forest again.  There was no one he could trust.  All eyes were on him.  His every move was scrutinized, criticized, and reprimanded.

The vile Melificent laughed from her throne as the boy broke before her eyes.  He had no desire to continue his potions apprenticeship, and he fled from his duties.  Melificent had won.

But upon reflection, the boy realized that he did not need magical potions.  He did not miss them, and therefore he became content with his place in life.  He remained friends with the Magician, and stayed nearby assisting with other things.  He was content and happy.

Melificent was not.  The boy was reduced to his common state, yet he was smiling.  He would never become a powerful sorcerer, yet he seemed gleeful and charming as ever.  How could this be?  She could not stand to have this.  The boy must leave her kingdom forever!  So using her poisoned words and her most deadly threats, she convinced the Magician to throw the boy out of the kingdom forever.  To push him away into exile.  To banish him from all the land.

Heatrbroken, and feeling very trapped, the Magician did so.  Jack was told to leave that very instant.  No warning.  No time to say goodbye.

 Sometimes, there are no happy endings.

*     *     *    *    *

Work had become so stressful and so horrible, that I eventually stepped down from my role as Customer Sales Lead, but decided to stay on as a regular Sales Associate.  The pay decrease didn't matter, because it was never worth the stress and aggravation that being a manager brought to my life.  It just wasn't worth it, and I wanted to return to the simpler, happier times when connecting with my customers was all that mattered. 

And although my boss thought the solution was perfect, her boss--the evil District Manager Mel--disagreed.  "He failed as a Sales Lead.  What makes you think he'll succeed as an Associate?  He'll still be around to bring the store down," she said.  So I was fired.  Mel wanted me out, and Mel always gets what she wants.

Chihuahua Comics: Transfiguration Gone Wrong

Little did Harry know, Professor McGonagall had jinxed him in his sleep.  She needed something cuddly to hold at night...

Jack Day Part Two

You can never have too much of a good thing.  At least that's what I think.  So if you love celebrating Jack Day on August 20th, why not celebrate again on the 23rd?  Really, you could celebrate every day of the month if you'd like.  Or even all year.  I won't hold you back.

On Monday the 23rd, some of my friends who were not at my Friday night birthday party joined Brian and me for a birthday dinner at Biaggi's.  You see, since starting his new job, Brian now works Tuesday through Saturday from 3:30 PM to midnight.  So we had to celebrate my birthday together on either Sunday or Monday.  Sunday night I had to work until 11:00 PM, so we were left with Monday.

We invited our roommates Mesun and Ryan, our friend Kelsey and her husband Robert, and our friends Tori and Katie.  The eight of us had a special room in the back and it was a lot of fun.  Dinner was delicious.  I got the Butternut Squash Ravioli and Brian ordered Carpaccio.  I had never had Carpaccio (although when we're playing Sims my character makes it quite often) so I had a bite of Brian's.  It tasted a lot better than I thought it would, but I don't think I would order it for myself.  If you don't know, Carpaccio is thin slices of raw beef.  Brian seemed to really enjoy it, and our friend Kelsey ordered it as well.

Tori and Katie gave me a beautiful bouquet of flowers and Kelsey and her husband gave me a Build-A-Bear named Beary Potter!  They drew on a scar with black marker, and he has  glasses and a red shirt.  Totally adorable.  Oh, Brian was mad that I didn't mention in my first birthday post that he gave me a Glee CD and promises to get me the first season on DVD when it comes out in September.  So now you know.  He can be happy.

Or not.  Now he's mad that I'm blogging and not eating lunch.  Sigh.  I can never win with this kid, can I?

Kelsey and Robert.  Doesn't Kelsey look stunning with that veil on?

Our roomies, Ryan and Mesun!  They are so fun to live with!

Tori and Katie!  Aren't they just lovely?

Here I am with Brian!  He's such a cutie face!

And introducing... BEARY POTTER!