Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Indecisive Idiot

I'm sure any waiter who has ever waited on me hates my guts.  Although they always smile and say things like "No problem!" or "Take your time!" or "I'll check back later!" I've never bought it for a second.  Behind their tip-hungry eyes I can see their true feelings:  "Hurry up and order, you indecisive idiot!"

What can I say?  I'm riddled with self-doubt and lack a ridiculous amount of confidence.  I'm so apprehensive about making decisions that I can't even order from a restaurant menu.  Every waiter I have ever had has always returned to my table multiple times, only to be asked to give me just one more minute to choose.  Why do I completely suck at making decisions!?

And if I'm with other people who have all decided and are ready to order, suddenly I feel the pressure to just make up my mind and get on with my life.  So I'll say, "Um, you go first" to give myself just one last minute to decide.  As the waitress goes around scribbling in code on her little pad, my eyes dart back and forth across the menu like a frantic ADD bunny rabbit.  The chicken sounds good but so does the burger it's black and bleu I like bleu cheese but I don't know what's so black about it do they burn it I could always ask for it medium rare that's how I like it but the chicken does sound good it has lemon and poppy seeds but I heard that poppy seeds register on a drunk driving test and make it look like you are drunk that's really weird because I'm obviously not drunk but I won't even be driving because I don't have a car but then oh gosh why is the waitress looking at me is it my time to order oh my goodness so am I getting this chicken then I guess I will but then again there was that burger with the bleu cheese and... and... oh my gosh... eyeballs staring at me... "I'll just have the pasta carbonara!!"

Recently, my indecisiveness has reared its ugly head in more important areas of my life.  You see, I'm having mixed feelings about the Art Institute of Salt Lake City where I am supposedly starting school in a couple of weeks.  Here are some things that have me freaked out:
  • Transferring credits has been like pulling teeth.  When I was set to start at the Art Institute of California - Hollywood, that school had accepted something like 62 credits.  So I was sad that the Art Institute here was only accepting like 30 credits.  Half the credits!  So I'm currently in a battle with them over credits.  I want them to accept more, and although I was supposed to hear back from them Monday, I haven't heard anything.
  • The number of credits they accept will determine whether or not I am a Sophomore or a Junior... which will determine the amount of out-of-pocket money I will have to come up with.  The plan as a Sophomore has me paying over $400 myself.  The plan as a Junior has me paying nothing.  Of course the school is sending me bills for the large amount.
  • Apart from the bill they keep resending, I haven't received any communication from the school in weeks.  It's not for lack of trying on my part.  I call my adviser.  I email my adviser.  Nothing.  I haven't even registered for classes yet...
So this school is just seeming really fishy right now.  I can't explain it, but I'm having a really bad feeling about it all.  I feel like I shouldn't go there.

But it's not just that.  Sometimes I don't even feel like animation is what I should be doing.  I'm sure most of you are shocked by this news because that's all you've ever known me to want.  However, all through high school I was flip-flopping between Illustration or Graphic Design.  In fact, when I went to BYU the original plan was to study Graphic Design.  But because of that summer where I started doing some animation, I made the rash decision to switch majors the day that school started.  So my decision to be an animator is only three years old.  Now I find myself questioning my abilities as an artist.  I'm good, but am I that good?  I like it, but do I love it?

And what about writing?  I've always enjoyed writing.  I have a blog, for goodness sake!  Currently I'm completely consumed with working on my novel.  I've been writing much more than drawing lately.  Much more.  Does that mean anything?

I better make a decision and stick to it, because school is obscenely expensive and I don't want to rack up student loan debt for nothing.  What should I do?  Oh, Lord, what should I do?

I'm so indecisive!!


Syd said...

For what it's worth, I think you're a brilliant writer. Even just the way you set up your blog and write with such voice is incredible. However the goal is to find a job that you can't believe people will pay you to do because you love it that much. I'm sure that probably hurts more than it helps but there it is :)

Sandoval Family said...

I am SO SO SO glad that I'm not the only one who feels that way at restaurants!!! I was reading this post and I was like "wow! that sounds like a conversation I have actually had with myself in my head!" I hate making decisions. I feel so much better knowing that I have a friend out there who is suffering from the same problem... I'm not alone!!! :) you just made my day! Thanks!


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