Dreamless

For those who might not know, I haven't been the happiest as of late.  Even though Brian and I worked as a team at a friend's Amazing Race Date and smiled happily at Michelle's Oscar Party, the two of us were really at odds.  Brian and I have hit our first real snag in our relationship, which I suppose after three years is to be expected.  I mean, sure, we've had little tiffs here and there... but nothing that has ever lasted more than an hour or ever caused us to question our futures together.  At least until now.  It pains me to say it, but earlier this week there was a moment when I honestly imagined my life without Brian--and I know for a fact Brian thought the same thing about me.

It all started with Brian's new blog, Project: Get Me The Hell to New York City, where he announced his plan to get a second job and save up money to pursue his dream of being an actor in the Big Apple.  I saw the link to the blog on Facebook, and that is how I learned of this plan.  Part of me was annoyed that such a plan was devised without me knowing, but in all fairness to Brian, I should have known all along that it would come to this.  I know how much he longs to be on stage and I also know how unsatisfied with his life he feels... but I also know how slim his odds are of ever achieving that dream.

Brian could tell that I wasn't too thrilled with his plan although I tried to act like I was.  Ever since we ran away to Los Angeles for him to be an actor there and came home penniless, I've gotten a pretty sour taste in my mouth of the aspiring actor's life.  And while Brian insists that we won't attempt the move without a much more sizable bank account and a more concrete plan of action, I'm still wary of it all.  Mostly I fear that our lives will be forever impoverished chasing after some bright star, which I suppose implies that I doubt Brian and his abilities.

Brian finally voiced his concerns by saying, "I think we want different things in life."  My response was to laugh.  He raised an eyebrow at this and I replied, "I was about to say the same thing but changed my mind."  And then it hit us:  we were both thinking it, so it must be true.  Maybe we aren't meant to be together.

Because while Brian is dead set on following his dream no matter the cost, I'm not sure I'm willing to pay it.  And what's worse is Brian's dream only reminds me that I no longer have a dream of my own.  Throughout various stages of my life I have wanted to be an actor, a singer, an artist, a writer... but now I never sing and I never draw.  I'm studying to get an English degree, but I don't know what I want to do with it.  I'm writing a book, but I don't really believe it will ever get published.  I just really don't know what my life's aspirations are.  I'm dreamless.

However, after a few days of awkward silences followed by even more awkward conversations, I am certain that no matter what I do with my life I want to do it with Brian.  And if I don't have a dream of my own, why shouldn't I support Brian in his?  So while I'm still not one-hundred-percent on board with the whole idea of starting anew in New York City in two years, I am trying.  And while there might be some new tension between the two of us, we are working on it.

And really, what else is there to do but try?