Thursday, September 15, 2011

Fire Me Good!

“You look like you’re sitting at your own little desk!”

I simply smiled and laughed politely at the customer’s comment as I rang up her large popcorn and large soda.  The cashier’s box does sort of look like a cubicle, I suppose.  There is a counter at about desk level on three sides of me with a short wall behind.  I sit at a stool facing the register which is really just a black computer, just without a keyboard or mouse—it’s touch screen, ya know.  There are even pens and highlighters and oftentimes papers lying on the counter next to me.  I could see what she meant, although I typically thought of my workspace as more of a prison cell than an executive’s office.

“You must feel so superior to the other workers over here in your own little office!” she continued.

The man she was with seemed to be looking at some candy, so while he contemplated the wide plethora of expensive cavity-inducing options I relented to the fact that I would have to carry on this little conversation.

“Yeah, it’s kinda cool I guess.  I never really thought of it like—”

“Do you know what would be really cool?  Is if you were facing the other direction when we approached, you know, like you are in a high-backed desk chair… and we can’t see your face… and then when the customers get here you spin around and fire them or something!  Like on The Apprentice.”

Her husband or boyfriend or friend or whoever the heck he was had decided on some Red Vines so I rang them up and told them the total.  As he and I handled the transaction, she said excitedly, “You should do it right now!”

“What?” I asked her.

“Try out what I just said.  Spin around in your chair and fire me!  Fire me good!”

I suddenly felt very uncomfortable and I looked towards the man she was with to see if he thought she was as crazy as I did, but he seemed nonchalant as I handed him the receipt.

“Well,” I said, “This stool doesn’t actually spin…”

“It doesn’t?  You’re kidding!  It looks like it would!” she said, with over-exaggerated disappointment.

“No, it doesn’t.  But thanks for coming to Cinemark, guys!  Enjoy your movie now!”  That was my subtle hint to get the heck away from me, but the woman wouldn’t budge.

“I’m not leaving until you fire me.  Right here.  Right now.  Fire me good.”

Again I looked at her boy toy for help, but he was looking at the movie poster behind him, completely unfazed or even interested in the odd demand she was making of me.  Odd, and might I add somewhat sexual, by the tone of her voice.

So what choice did I have?  None really.   

"I guess I can just pretend the chair spins..."

"Oh yeah!  Play pretend!"

So I turned away from her then spun my body quickly back around and said, “You’re fired!” with as menacing a face as I could manage.

She smiled as wide as the Cheshire Cat at this, exclaiming, “That was so good!  You fired me real good!”

And then she walked off into her movie, with her silent fella trotting along behind her like a sad, sadistic little puppy.

4 comments:

Brian Kesler said...

That is among the most bizarre stories ever. And most hilarious.

Emma Lilly said...

That is the most amazing story I have heard in my life. It was definitely the cherry on top of the crap sundae witch made my day. Haha! Just kidding, today was total kick butt! So it was the sparklers on top of my carrot cake, because there's no such thing as getting better than carrot cake.

jenny said...

wow. i don't have anything else but.. wow.

Sheryce Alynn said...

Oh my heck!! That is so freakin' hilarious!!! Bahahaha! Some people are crazy... But it makes for an interesting story!

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