Ask Joaquin: Will You Be Taking Brian's Last Name?

I answered some marriage-related questions on the 11th, but more and more just keep coming!

From Kathi (my mom):  So are you changing your name to Kesler?  *Note, this question is one of the most frequently asked.

That's a very good question.  In a traditional heterosexual marriage (in our particular culture, that is) the woman takes on the last name of her husband, but in our situation neither one of us is the blushing bride.  In fact, we even know some straight couples where the woman has kept her name. Early on in our engagement, Brian and I had discussed the possibility of changing both our surnames to Kesler-Garcia, to reflect our union, but I would cease to be Jack John Garcia III, and what a shame it would be to lose my suffix!  Besides, name-changing is a hassle.  So, no, Mom, I will still bear the name you and my father had given me from the start.  However, any future children we hope to adopt will be given the name Kesler-Garcia.

From Anonymous:  Which one of you is the "man" and which is the "woman"?  or... Which one of you is wearing the dress?

As stated in response to the above question, neither one of us is the bride.  Perhaps in other same-sex couples this question is applicable (I won't try to speak for gays everywhere), but in our case, neither one of us is a cross-dresser or transvestite, so no wedding dress will be worn.  For those going to our reception, expect to see us in nice suits.  And as far as our relationship goes, neither one of us can be categorized as the "man" 100% of the time nor the "woman" 100% of the time.  I won't even begin to say how incredibly sexist this question is...  Just know that Brian and I function as equals.  We both have jobs, we both go to school, and we both take care of the house when we have time.  Brian enjoys cooking more, so he does all the cooking.  I'm more of a neat-freak, so I do most of the cleaning.  We have a good balance that way, and it has nothing to do with preconceived gender roles.

From Katherine (Brian's mom):  Will you be in New York City long enough to get everything done?  Won't you need a blood test?

Actually, a blood test is not a requirement for a marriage license in the state of New York.  In fact, the whole process is relatively simple.  Almost shockingly so.  According to the website for the City Clerk's Office in NYC, all we need to do is fill out an application (which we have already done online), pay the fee, and present our social security number and driver's license to obtain a marriage license.  We must then wait at least 24 hours to have the wedding ceremony which will also take place in the City Clerk's Office.  For that we will need the marriage license (obviously), another fee payment, and a witness (thankfully Brian's cousin Patrick has agreed to fly out to NYC to fill that role).  So to sum it all up, on Thursday, November 1st we will take care of the marriage license stuff and then on Friday, November 2nd (our four-year anniversary) we will seal the deal with a court ceremony and start a new chapter in our lives as newlyweds!

From Emily:  What kind of wedding gift do I give a gay couple?  I've never done this before!

Well, thanks for your concern, but we're really not all that different.  We homosexuals enjoy many of the same household items that you do and they don't even have to be rainbow-colored or covered in glitter.  So you know that toaster you always buy for your straight friends who tie the knot?  That would work for us too!  (Although, in all seriousness, we already have a toaster so thanks but no thanks).  If gift-giving is really hard for you, you can always stick to our registry or just give money.  Because gay or straight, money makes everybody happy!

From Brett:  Will there be drinking at your reception?

Sorry to disappoint those desperately in search of an open bar, but our reception will be a dry one.  I know, we're totally lame.  One reason is that alcohol is really expensive and it's just not within our budget.  Also, we're really grateful some of our LDS friends and relatives are coming at all and we didn't want to make them any more uncomfortable by throwing champagne into the mix.  But mostly there will be no drinking because the venue doesn't allow it.  "Curse those pesky contracts!"

But what you can expect is a whole lot of sober fun!  The tentative schedule goes something like this:  Meet and greet for the first 45 minutes or so followed by a special video presentation and the couple's first dance.  Live music by Van Lady Love (featuring an old mission buddy as the lead singer) will continue from about 8 to 9, so prepare to be entertained.  The cake will then be cut and served (don't worry, we'll have various cheesecakes available all throughout the night as well) and a dance party will commence for the remaining hour.  So.  Much.  Fun.

Of course you can come and go as you please, but seriously, you'll want to stay for all the awesomeness.

Brian's Pumpkin Soup

Brian's sister Amy has started to come over one night a week to cook with him.  They get to have a little brother/sister bonding moment and Amy gets to learn a thing or two about cooking.  Oh, and I get to eat delicious home-cooked meals so really it's a win-win for all.

The first thing the duo prepared was a delicious pumpkin soup which really put me in the fall mood.  I've been so kind as to relay Brian's recipe here for you all to try and enjoy.  If you're too lazy to make it yourself, just knock on our door sometime and have Brian whip some up for you.

Brian's Pumpkin Soup
Yields enough for 2-4 servings

Ingredients:

• 2 tablespoons of butter
• 1 small onion, chopped
• 1 carrot, chopped
• 1 stalk celery, chopped
• 1 bundle of thyme
• 1 sprig of rosemary
• 2 star anise
• pinch of nutmeg
• 2 tablespoons of flour
• 1 1/2 cups milk
• 1 1/2 cups chicken stock
• 1 can of pumpkin puree
• salt
• pepper
• cream
• Golden Delicious apple (optional)
• dried cranberries (optional)

Directions:

1.  Melt butter in a saucepan over medium heat.  Add vegetables and all the herbs and spices.  Cook for five to seven minutes until onions are translucent and slightly brown.

2.  Add the flour.  Cook for two minutes, stirring constantly.

3.  Whisk in the milk and chicken stock.  Turn the heat to high and, whisking frequently, allow it to come to a boil.  Once it reaches a boil, turn it to medium heat and let it cook for five minutes until thickened.

4.  Pull out the rosemary, thyme and star anise and discard.

5.  Remove from heat and puree the soup with an immersion blender or an electric stand blender.

6.  Return to heat and whisk in the pumpkin puree, cooking for five minutes over medium heat.

7.  Remove from heat and blend the soup again until very smooth.

8.  Add salt and pepper to taste and serve with a dollop of cream.  For an additional garnish, add dried cranberries and chopped apple.

Ask Joaquin: Why Are You Getting Married?

With all the wedding planning, we've been getting a lot of questions about our marriage.  Due to the sensitive nature of most of them, I've referred to those asking as "anonymous."

From Anonymous:  Why are you getting married if it's not even legal in Utah?

Ever since I was a kid I was taught that when two people loved each other they got married.  Sure, the "two people" were probably explained to me as "a man and a woman," but that didn't stop me from making the blonde Ken doll and the brunette Ken doll ditch Barbie and go marry each other.  So when I grew up years later and realized I was gay, that notion of marrying the one I love didn't go away.  And when Brian asked me to marry him some three years ago, I said "yes."  It just seemed to be the natural progression of things.  You meet, you fall in love, you get married.

And although same-sex marriage is legal in the state of New York, where Brian and I are tying the knot, I am well aware that our marriage license won't mean anything in the state of Utah.  So why bother?  Well, because it means something to us.  It means a lifelong commitment.  It means the start of a family.  It means all of the things that marriage means to straight couples.  Nobody goes into marriage saying, "I'm only doing this for tax purposes and hospital visitation rights."  No, they do it for love.  And while those are the sorts of benefits that will go unrecognized here in Utah, Brian and I will still know in our hearts that we are married.

Besides, we don't plan on living in Utah forever and we will most likely find ourselves in one of the six states that does recognize same-sex marriage someday.  And as the fight for marriage equality continues, I am optimistic that more and more states will embrace it in the future.  The world is changing.  France is on the brink of legalizing same-sex marriage within the next few weeks and not long ago Mexico did the same, joining Canada and ten other countries.

From Anonymous:  Is your marriage some kind of political statement?

Considering it's an election season and Brian's Facebook statuses are hyper-political as of late, I can see where one might get that idea.  However, this is nothing of the sort.  As I stated in the answer above, Brian and I are getting married because we love each other and that's what people in love do!  Far from trying to stir up controversy, I would say our desire to be married is probably the most conservative and traditional thing about us.

From Anonymous:  I love you guys, but my religious views are in opposition to same-sex marriage.  How do I reconcile this?

I'm going to answer this question with a bit of a story.  There's a member of Brian's extended family that expressed a similar sentiment.  She said she loved us and enjoyed our visits to her home, but at the same time worried that by attending our wedding reception she was condoning same-sex marriage which she finds contrary to her religious beliefs.  She took her concerns to the Lord in prayer, and came to the conclusion that Jesus would have gone if he were in her shoes.  We were happy to hear she was able to find a way to reconcile her desire to be supportive with her belief system.

But as much as I would love everyone to take that route, I understand that not everyone will come to the same conclusion.  It's heartbreaking that such a joyous and happy day in my life can bring about negativity... but it has to some degree.  Feeling a little down, my sister sent a text message reassuring me that no matter who may or may not be in attendance, "God sure will be."

September Happenings

Brian and I have been busy lately.  I'm still working five days a week at Zales, including weekends, and my only days off are Tuesday and Thursday when I attend my three classes at Utah Valley University.  Brian has had an extremely heavy workload the last few weeks at Culinary Crafts, going in really early and working 12-hour shifts.  On top of that he's taking four classes at UVU (two on campus and two online) and barely finds time to do the coursework.  Heck, we barely have time to give each other a goodbye kiss before we part ways!

But here are some things we have managed to do this month that weren't school/work-related:

• We attended a doggy birthday party!  Brian's sister Jenny's dog Lou celebrated his birthday on the first.  Since Brian's a pastry chef, we thought some pastry-shaped rawhide treats would be a good gift for the canine.
• That same night we drove up to Layton to celebrate my (human) cousin Tanissa's birthday.  It was at the Fahrenheit Lounge and it was fun... even if we had to skive off early to drive all the way home.
• Brian wanted to try out a duck recipe so he invited Stephen and Lexi over as guinea pigs.  The food was delicious and the conversation was great.  We even had Shirley Temples!
• My coworker Tara invited us out to party at The Madison in downtown Provo the following weekend and we had a blast!  I got to see one of my old coworkers, Riley, and then Brian and I ran into our friends Karrie and Ana on the dance floor!  It was great to see them!
• I officially became a Utahn this month!  Woohoo!  Or should I say "boohoo"?  I'm not sure if I'm happy about that or not...  Anyway, my Colorado driver's license finally expired on me so I got myself a Utah one.  My buddy Wes was kind enough to accompany me to the DMV and we had so much fun we just decided to hang out all day.  Brett came over later and we played Wii Super Mario and ordered pizza.  Oh, I should also mention I look dead sexy in my driver's license photo, but no surprise there.
• Glee started this week, which you know I love, and I've also become hooked on The New Normal.  Such a great new show!
• As far as wedding planning goes, Brian and I have purchased the plane tickets to New York City and reserved the hotel room.  We've also set the date for our reception (November 16), booked the venue (Rock Canyon Room), hired a band (Van Lady Love), registered for gifts and ordered the invitations.  Brian's mom and I even went on a little shopping excursion for decorations.  Things are progressing smoothly!
• My dad turned 50 this month!  He's so old!
• My friends Curt and Lamar invited me to their monthly Gay Poker Night.  I've got the gay part down but boy do I suck at poker.  I had a couple of good hands, but ultimately I went down in flames... no pun intended.
• Brian's sister Courtney turned 17 on the 27th and we celebrated with a family dinner at the Kesler house.  Then my little sister Renee turned 19 the next day, but unfortunately she lives too far away to visit.
• My friend Michelle (and yes, we're friends again) had her birthday the day after that and Wes and I went to her birthday dinner at Red Robin and then the midnight showing of Looper, which was pretty dang cool!
• The birthdays continued with our friend Nichole who threw a shindig at her new home in Lehi (which she shares with her girlfriend Emily) and Brian, Mineh and I drove up together to celebrate.  We played some new games, met some new people and had so much fun we ended up staying the night.  Slumber party!

So that was the month of September.  Let's see what October has in store!

School is Super Needy

I realize that I haven't posted hardly anything this month and I'd just like to say that it's all School's fault.  I'm really sorry to say it, but School is just a serious time hog.  I'm always like, "Hey, School, I know you want to like hang out with me every minute of every day, but sometimes I just wanna like go and spend time with some of my other friends, ya know?  Are you like feeling me?"

You probably noticed that I say the word "like" a lot when I'm talking to School.  That's partly because I watched Clueless the other day and partly because School acts like a teenage girl: super needy.  You're probably thinking that School can't really be that demanding of my time if I was able to watch a 90s chick flick, but the whole time School just kept nagging me saying, "Don't watch that movie, come read some American literature with me.  I sure love Booker T. Washington."  Or, "Hey, it's not Alicia Silverstone time.  It's MY time!  Like, you should totally be over here writing papers with me about Kafka's The Trial and not 'rolling with the homies' in some white jeep!"

As if!

So while I'm trying to move on with my life and go to work or play some Wii Super Mario or drop it like it's hot on The Madison's dance floor, School is constantly getting in my way.  I can't even plan my own freaking wedding because School is jealous!  Yes, I said it.  Jealous.  School is jealous that I can possibly love someone else over her, so she fills up my days with constant homework and constant reading and constant writing.  I just can't take it anymore!  I need my space!  Doesn't she understand?  I think we need to go on a break; start seeing other people...

Anyway, I'd blog some more but School is calling.  Surprise, surprise.

Tuesday

My mother had decided to repaint the bathroom in navy blue, unintentionally intensifying the claustrophobic feel as if the windowless room wasn’t tight and dark enough.  The blue walls matched the American flag shower curtain so the color choice made sense in that regard.  Some visitor upon leaving our bathroom had once commented, “I like the bathroom.  It’s very…um… patriotic.”

I hummed “Yankee Doodle” subconsciously as I brushed my teeth, being careful around the braces.  I was fifteen and pimply, with my carefully shellacked hair and Tommy Hilfiger shirt.  I wasn’t exactly popular but I wasn’t unpopular either.  I was likable, if not truly cool.

“… stuck a feather in his cap and called it macaroni.”

Damn bathroom, filling my head with silly songs of nationalism.

My little sister Renee came into the bathroom and I yelled at her to leave.  I was only brushing my teeth and the door wasn’t shut or anything, but I still wanted her to leave me alone.  She wouldn’t, of course, so I think I might have pushed her.  I can’t remember.  I do remember shouting, “I’m going to kill you!”  I went back to my toothbrushing.

I hated getting ready for school.  The district I lived in was a little unorthodox, with the school week running from Tuesday to Friday.  We had three-day weekends, but paid for them with longer school days.  So the dreaded Monday for me was actually Tuesday.  I hated Tuesdays and that day was definitely a Tuesday.

Minty foam was dripping out the corner of my mouth when I heard my stepdad exclaim, “Oh my gosh!” in complete surprise.

He liked to watch the news while he was getting ready.  He had a little box of a television in the room he and my mom shared.  The door to the bathroom and the door to their room were at a perfect right angle in the hallway.  All I had to do was lean my head out, toothbrush hanging out of my mouth, and I could see the TV too.  It sat on a rolling cart in the corner near their closet.  The image was a little fuzzy.

That’s when I saw the news footage of a plane crashing into a building.  My knowledge of New York buildings was limited.  Even buildings as seemingly important as the World Trade Center were unfamiliar to me.  My stepdad was a history teacher though, and as he stood there with his chili pepper tie half tied, gawking blankly as the shot was replayed again and again, he understood what this meant:  history was being made.

“You know what this is, don’t you?”

“No,” I said.  I spit into the sink and stood by him in the room.  We both stared at the screen.  My mom was coming down the hall.  My siblings were laughing at the kitchen table.

“This is a terrorist attack.  We’re probably going to go to war.”

A second plane struck.  The Twin Towers collapsed before my very eyes on that small blurry screen.

Suddenly it wasn’t just the bathroom that seemed small and cramped.  The walls of the bedroom closed in on me, the lights dimmed, I felt small and stupid and scared.  Everything seemed painted in red, white and blue.  Red for the blood of innocent people, the whites of their eyes growing wider as they screamed out in terror, the blue of the smoke in the sky, billowing lazily upward as if nothing truly shocking had happened.  As if somebody hadn’t said “I am going to kill you” and meant it.

It happened on a Tuesday.

The Key Coincidence

I locked my apartment door, shoved my keys into my pocket, and ran down the stairs and out onto the street, texting, Facebooking, Instagraming, and tweeting all the while.  Waiting at the second bus stop of my morning commute, my normal smartphone activities were interrupted with the strangest thing of all:  a phone call.  Sometimes I forget that our phones can actually do that.

"Hey, Jack.  It's me, Tara.  I'm going to be late for work.  I've been running around trying to find my keys... and anyway, I've got the spare now so I'm on my way."

"That's fine," I said.  "See you when you get there."

I arrived at the mall and sat myself down on the bench in front of Zales, where I work.  My phone continued to entertain me, this time it was an ebook of F. Scott Fitzgerald's The Beautiful and Damned.  Gloria had just murmured "Good-by, you ass" to the poor lovestruck Anthony when the oddly paranoid thought struck me:  Where are my keys?

I set the phone down and felt my pockets.  All of them.  Even my back pockets where I would surely never put keys.  Nothing.  Were they in my socks?  In my paper lunch sack?  They had to be somewhere!

"I'm here," said Tara from behind me, her voice obviously grumpy.  "Today already sucks."

"You had to use your spare car key to get here, right?" I asked her.

"Yeah..."

"So you wouldn't by chance have a spare work key too?"  I laughed uneasily.

"No.  Why?  You don't have your keys either?"

I shook my head in the negative and recounted the same dull tale you have just read.  What an odd coincidence that we would both misplace our keys on the same morning!  Luckily another coworker of ours, Mineh, was able to come to the store and let us in with her own set of keys.  She laughed at us all the while and insisted that we owed her something big.  Like ice cream.  We willingly agreed to her demands.

The worst part of this whole story is that when I called the Utah Transit Authority to see if my keys had been found on one of their buses, the answer wasn't a very good one.

"Our drivers check for lost items at the end of the day.  You'll have to wait until the next business day to call us or perhaps I can help you locate the bus and you can search for yourself."

"Well, seeing as I'd need to take a bus to find the bus, I'm not sure that'll work.  Besides I have work now.  And I took two different bus routes..."

"I'm sorry, sir.  You'll have to call back on our next business day.  Which is Tuesday."

Tuesday?  Why Tuesday?  Then it dawned on me.  Today was Friday, they are closed on weekends, and the upcoming Monday happens to be Labor Day.  Go figure I'd lose my keys right before a three-day weekend.

"Awesome," I said.  "Just awesome."  I was not feeling awesome.  I ended the call and set to work hastily getting the store ready for opening.

"I think you're right, Tara," I said to my coworker.  "Today already sucks."